A few of our family members, November 27, 1999Today, my hubby and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary!
We just returned from a decadent celebratory feast at the esteemed Peninsula Grill. (Our days of indulgent fine dining on a regular basis are numbered!)
I am lucky to have found such a wonderful man. I can't imagine anyone else in the world I would rather become a parent with. We are so fortunate to have a genuinely happy marriage that is strong and harmonious. We are good for each other, we share many common interests and values, and we love and respect one another. Don't get me wrong; our marriage is definitely not perfect, but I think it’s pretty darn close for a couple of mortals.
So after 11 years together, 8 of them in wedded bliss, I wonder how our relationship will change when we become a family of three.
I do think that child rearing will be a tremendous bonding experience for us. That we will grow closer and our marriage will become even richer. That we will be equal partners and share the new joys as well as the responsibilities. That we will fall in love again from a new perspective. And that we will have an absolute ball.
But!
Wouldn’t it be unrealistic for us to not expect new conflicts to arise?
Research shows that after having a baby, 67% percent of new parents say they have a) less fun, b) more arguments and c) less intimacy. Issues such as different parenting styles, over-tiredness, a lack of alone time and unmet expectations can become battlegrounds.
Our energy and focus will make a dramatic shift, as it should, but I don’t want to find ourselves in the cliché scenario of drifting apart because of a severe lack of attention to each other. It wouldn’t be good for us OR our child if we were to become either miserable or divorced. I truly don’t think that would ever happen, but it’s foolish to think that we are bulletproof and to not make an effort to preserve our relationship as best we can.
It’s no secret that–kids or not—a strong marriage requires communication, listening, affirming, respecting, trusting, having fun, keeping a sense of humor, and not ignoring problems until the damage is beyond repair. Sounds so easy, right?
The hard part is continually being mindful of those things. Knowing specifically what each one means and making a conscious effort to do it. And disagreeing in healthy ways. Making it of burning importance to not allow resentment to creep in and build a brick wall. And always remembering that no one ever said to a marriage counselor, “We just communicate way too much.”
Yup. So there it all is in black and white. Well, in brown and tan. Regina’s Rambling Self-Guide to a Continued Successful Marriage After Baby. It’s purely theoretical, but without the rose-colored glasses I think. I will certainly have to re-examine it next year for any needed edits!
So, all of that to say what I really wanted to say today. And that is...
Happy 8th anniversary sweetheart.
Thank you for being so amazing!
Thank you for being so amazing!
November 27, 1999
November 27, 2007
24 comments:
Happy Anniversary you two!
What a beautiful post - and a BEAUTIFUL couple.
Sounds like you two are positioned beautifully to become wonderful parents - and to enjoy the adventure of parenting together.
We talked so much about how becoming parents together would enrich our marriage - and we also agree with you that open communication, mutual respect and trust make a HUGE difference...
Your child will SO benefit from the health of your relationship...and it sounds like you'll be so good about caring for one another every step of the way.
Cheers to your anniversary! We are celebrating with you!!!
Beautifully said! As you know it was our anniversary too! We've been married a long time before we'll have our first child. I've had my worries about what this will mean to the *us* that we know. It will change of course but we know each other so well now and are so good together....having a child at this time in our marriage will be a wonderful thing.
Congratulations to you....I loved the photos :) I was in such a hurry yesterday I didn't post our wedding photos like you....maybe I'll do an update :)
Eileen
Congratulations and Happy Anniversary. May your love continue to grow as your family grows
sandi
Happy Anniversary! Love the pictures. :)
You are right, being parents does change your relationship, it was a little hard to get that balance down for us, the boys are better behaved & happier when we make sure we have "our" time & they know we are a united front, its amazing how young they start the if Dad doesn't let me, go cry to Mom & vise versa.
"a strong marriage requires communication, listening, affirming, respecting, trusting, having fun, keeping a sense of humor, and not ignoring problems until the damage is beyond repair"
*you are so right in the above quote, having kids has made our marriage stronger, we don't always see eye to eye but being committed to "us" gets us through. We always tell each other if we wouldn't have boys we wouldn't have all the joy they bring to our lives. They are so worth it! :)
Happy Anniversary!!
Your children we love to see how happy you are together. Happy marriages makes for happy children!
Congrats again,
Kim
Happy Anniversary Frank and Regina!
I can't believe it has been 8 years...I am so blessed to have shared in your beautiful wedding that was so uniquely YOU. I have told Regina many times that she was meant to move to Charleston so that she could meet her soulmate. I have never seen you happier than you have been in the years you have been with Frank. You two have blossomed into a beautiful couple and I am sure you will enter into parenthood with as much joy, fun, commitment, love and respect. Having children does change your relationship, but in mostly GOOD ways. The strong foundation you have built and many years you have had to experience life together as a couple will greatly enhance your parental journey. As my wise grandmomma used to say, "The fact that your are thinking about those things is a sure bet that it will not be a problem." You two are so open to new experiences that I am sure you will glide right into becoming a mommy and daddy with ease. I love you both and am so glad I am back in Charleston to share your joy and the beautiful couple you are.
Congratulations! Wow. Nice post. Wish you guys (and all the other blogging couples weve met) lived closer. You would be so fun to hang with!
The parenting being hard on couples thing: you two have already discussed parenting choices and how to manage the kid. You had to- talking with social workers. I think if we didnt' have to, we wouldn't.
I think we are all afraid of change, but this incredible process sure makes us prepared. You'll be ready, just continue to have and be fun!
Yes Happy Anniversary !! You nailed it on the head with your realistic views of what it will take once you are back home with baby. It takes lots of work but the payoff is so rewarding and takes your relationship to new heights! Good luck on your upcoming adventure, ours has been wonderful!! Gena Lloyd
Hi my name is Jessica and my husbands name is Jeremy and we live in Kentucky. We are using LMI also. I was checking off the name list and you have both of my husbands favorite names. Roman and Rowan for boy names. I just wanted to say hi and happy anniversary.
First I want to say "Happy Anniversary!" Congratulations on finding each other and creating such a good life together.
For us, there is some truth to this:
"Research shows that after having a baby, 67% percent of new parents say they have a) less fun, b) more arguments and c) less intimacy. Issues such as different parenting styles, over-tiredness, a lack of alone time and unmet expectations can become battlegrounds."
BUT, of course this happens! If it didn't there would be a problem (Have you read the memoir "Glass Castles" - Whoa!). And, this is not a perpetual state of being. Luca has demanded less as he has gotten older and the rewards of parenting have grown exponentially. The surveys don't ask questions like "What is the effect of walking hand in hand with your spouse and child?" That sustains us more than several nights of sleep. The opportunity to parent together has actually improved our relationship and given us some much needed perspective. But, it took some - okay, lots - of adjustment.
You will be great parents!
I think that married couples going through this process together should get an honorary, "we are marriage-masters" badge just for working together through such a difficult task. I would like to advance straight to the "golden anniversary" notoriaty because I feel like we will have survived a lifetime of emotions and events together, even though we have only been married for 2 years. I feel like if the two of you haven't lost if for eachother yet...your never gonna lose it! Maybe that's just wishful thinking for my own situation but I'm a romantic at heart.
Let the good times roll!
Jill
Congrats! you two are so cute!!!!
You guys just absolutely rock and roll!
Shannon
Happy Anniversary! Seeing you two made me smile. You're such a beautiful couple. You are simply gorgeous Regina.
We've only been doing this full time parenting thing :-) for 4 months now, but I can definitely say that Jim is my Rock. Capital R. Without him, I couldn't do this. Oh sure, I *could* literally, but I don't even want to imagine it!! We had a good and stable marriage before Gigi (7 years), but having Gigi has brought out a hidden strength in Jim. I see him in a new light, and love him and respect him so much for it. Before Gigi, I thought I was the strong one. Now I know my strength is minimal compared to his. Fatherhood has brought something out in him that has really enhanced our marriage.
Now is that to say having a kid didn't bring some of the more difficult stuff too? Absolutely not! Even though we talked about parenting techniques and thought we were aligned- we read the same books, talked about them, our parent's style, etc. like you said, it was PURE theory until we actually had Gigi in our arms. We're still aligned on the big stuff, but we must have skipped the small details totally. For instance, how many times do you say, "No Gigi" before expecting action? Once, twice, three times? More? And then what do you do if your expectation isn't met? Little tiny details like that escaped us in the "big talks." We're figuring our way through it though as I'm sure most parents do. I can't believe that all the 't's will be crossed and 'i's will be dotted so-to-speak for anyone before the child arrives, but having awareness to that and a willingness (and open mind!) to work on it afterwards is most of the battle. Which it sounds like you guys have in abundance!
The biggest thing that has helped when we find ourselves at odds is to remember that we really balance each other out. Of course we have to find common ground, but if he wants to say "No" 6 times and I expect action on the 1st time... well, it's probably a great thing we're together because TOGETHER we are good. Singularly we are flawed- too much to one end of the spectrum. But as a joined force, we know we'll do the right things. That's what really matters to us at the end of the day.
Oh yeah, and being tired is no joke! :-)
All right, this comment is long enough! :-) Congratulations again on your anniversay!
Happy Anniversary from Chicago!!!
Thank you so much for the encouraging post on our blog. We have decided that we are going to switch agencies. All we can do is go with faith on this one. The goal in the end is the same, just a bit of a round about path:)
I have to give a special shout out to you because you hail from one of our favorite cities ever! Jamie and I have been to Charleston three times, and we absolutely love it. We talk about retiring there when the time comes:)
I will have to read more of your blog, but I hope the process is going well for you thus far!
Take care!
Happy anniversary !! Great pictures--you guys are a gorgeous couple!!
When I married my husband, he had 2 kids, 15 and 17. He was also 10 1/2 years my senior, and said, if you want a kiddo, we better "get on it".
So, Sean was born right after our 1 year anniversary. Now, it's 9 years later and we're starting over, again.
Yes, your marriage changes with children, but I think, for the better.
I was so attracted to my husband due to the fact that he was AN AWESOME dad to his 2 kids! They were his priority in his life. I was so impressed. He is my rock-and he is great. He is calm, while I am the spaz.
You will love the change that children bring to your marriage.
Happy Happy anniversary!!
What an interesting topic to bring to discuss.
My typical advice (albeit slightly pessimistioc) to 1st time parents is to not feel alone when they discover they are fighting like cats & dogs with each other in the first couple weeks with the new baby. That's an exaggeration but sleep deprivation CAN make you CRAZY so be forewarned!
It's going to be an amazingly wonderful time for you guys though and will definitely be a bonding lovey experience as well!
Having a baby may certainly be an added stressor (we're still in the process of finding that out!), but at this point I'd say that spending 8 weeks together and alone in a country where basically no one speaks English and you are together literally 24 hours a day. That is a true test of a marriage!!! Enjoy every second of the ride! All the best----
You two are so cute - then and now. I always enjoy seeing the light in your eyes - both of you. And I so look forward to watching you enjoy your baby. You've had a nice long time together "BC" - before children - and my bet is you will really enjoy the experience of being parents to a very lucky baby. Happy Anniversary!
a.-not really, we have more fun
b.-maybe a little
c.-unfortunately, this one is true. Who has time?
Happy Anniversary! While there will always be an adjustment period - I'm sure you two will have a tremendous amount of fun with a new addition to the family. Having a sense of humor is probably one of the most important elements.
Hi, I am new to your blog....jumped to yours off of Muriel's. They were in the same region at the same time we were there getting our son Nick. We are the very last blog on the Kazakh adoptive families (KAF)site. We were in Zhezkazgan. You have such a journey before you. As I was browsing down thru your entries, I laughed at your Russian one. We used the Adopting from Russia book that is on the KAF site and I swear by "The complete Idiot's guide to Learning Russian". It had many practical tips and phrases for Laundry, restaurants, and other business transactions as well as some grammar stuff which I mostly ignored. We also used the children's book "1000 first words in Russian" It is an Usborne publishing book. It has pictures and we used it to learn simple stuff and then surrrprise, surrrprise, they walked 2 three year olds in for us to choose from (long story) so the kid's book came in even more handy!!
As far as marriage changes, My husband and I did everything together before Nick, even chores. We just plain enjoy each others company. So, I would say after Nick, It does change. The fun is different fun, the challenges and conflicts are about different things than before but still absolutely resolvable, the intimacy, yep, it changes...you are really tired but you just have to make the effort to connect and just two words are a must.....DATE NIGHT...weekly if possible. We do not live near family but a precious friend offered to do this for us because this is what started bothering us the most during our first few months...no adult conversations with each other....like how is work, how are you dealing with all this, etc.
Your lives will change, no doubt, but you will adjust TOGETHER and it will be great! Enjoy your time in Kaz together. We stayed the whole time (10 weeks) and as hard as it was, I wouldn't trade my alone time with my husband before we brought Nick home and I definitely wouldn't trade the "just us" time with Nick with no distractions. Funny but you will miss this once you get home even if you get tired and weary. Once you are home, you will miss it. It is a weird phenomenon! Well, Please feel free to read our blog during the adoption (Feb, March, April) and ask any questions you would like! Will look forward to following your trip over to Kazland to change your lives forever! Karen Kitzman
(blessed wife of Pat, and very happy mommy of Nick the Kazmaniac!)
Well said. Happy Anniversary to a couple who is clearly "meant" for each other.
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