A few weeks ago I cringed to read that a woman once said to an adoptive mom, "Wow, you must have a really big heart; I could never love a baby that wasn't mine."(Oh yes she did.)
Some people say that adoption just isn't for everyone. I usually nod in agreement when I hear this, but deep down I truly don't understand how anyone can feel they couldn't truly love anyone but their own genetic spawn.
It reminds me of a conversation I recently had with a friend about babies who were accidentally switched at birth in the hospital. Some parents found out early on, and others after many years. (Just think how many never find out.) I asked my friend, "What if you learned today that they gave you the wrong baby in the hospital? Would you now switch out your 4-month old with your biological child?" Her eyes got really big as she laughed and said, "NO WAY! This is MY baby and I love him SO much and I'm not giving him to ANYONE!!!" It was funny, and we were aghast and amused at the thought.
I later realized that this is a great example of how people feel when they adopt a child. Yes there are many variables, but I believe that as long as your heart is open -- and not blocked with prejudices or conditions -- then you can't help but fall in love with the child that is placed in your care and deemed as yours, no matter where that child came from.
There is a new movie out called Martian Child. There is a scene in the preview where an adoptive father, played by John Cusack, says, "I don't want to bring another child into this world, but how can you argue against loving one who's already here?"
I couldn't agree more.
8 comments:
Unconditional love is really what this is about and I am endlessly appalled at the things people say...Maybe the woman who said that she could never love a child that she didn't give birth to was not loved unconditionally herself - and so she cannot even begin to know what unconditional love is?
I think your example of switched at birth drives home the point beautifully.
I have to admit that I am still learning, every day, how adoption opens up one's life. I remember fearing - while we went through infertility treatments - that we would "have" to adopt - I was terrified that adoption was over-idealized - and mostly, I couldn't wrap my mind around how a baby would love me if I wasn't his/her "real" mother. It sounds SO crazy now - I know - insane, really - but I think I had lots of serious conditioning to overcome - I was surrounded all my life (as we all are) with messages that biological children are the be-all/end-all.
Also, people (friends) expressed lots of PITY toward me when they found out I was having trouble having biological children. So - that just reinforced the crazy mindset that I was doomed in some awful way.
I am learning every day and every moment - as I get closer and closer to adopting my baby - how adoption is not to be feared - it is the most remarkable, wonderous experience EVER. Oh, dear. If only I had understood that years ago. But, we only know what we know - when we know it. Right? Sigh.
I couldn't agree more with John Cusack....
You know I think it is really about the individual maturity, physical and emotional of the person doing the parenting.
I will find myself in line at the grocery store and watch as a harried mother smacks her biological child that is walking too slow and think how can she do that? I don't think how can she do that to her biological child - I think "How can she do that to a child period?"
Some people narrowly define love and how it is to be doled out. I think that it is a shame to put limits on the most expansive emotion available to human beings.
Those with older souls know that love is an emotion where the more you give it away the more it grows - kind of like The Blob - LOL.
Don't get me wrong those kind of comments are hard to respond to in the moment but secretly don't you feel intense pity for someone who would really feel they could only love their own child?
I also think being open to international adoption is also about realizing the lovableness in all people. There is so much need in our world to classify people, there is them and then there is us - they are bad, we are good. That goes on everywhere and is a fear driven way of thinking.
When you choose international adoption you have the opportunity to realize the reality which is that people are the same everywhere. There is goodness and evil everywhere. And if people are the same everywhere then what real difference is there between a child you birthed yourself or one that you adopted. I guess when you go through the process of adoption you get the opportunity to learn some realities about life that others don't necessarily get the opportunity to learn. I personally consider us lucky to get to experience more than the status quo out of life. Not always easy but most certainly always interesting. And here endeths my book. ; )
Amen! Amen again!! I love your post! I really don't have anything intelligent to add to this comment as you said it so beautifully.
Sometimes I look upon my beautiful Gigi and wonder how on earth I could possibly feel "more" for her if she had my eyes or my chin. I can't fathom how I could feel "more." It's completely beyond me how one's heart could distinguish between genes and not-genes.
I love your post & I couldn't agree more! I can't imagine loving my boys more if I had given birth to them. They are MY boys. :)
What a great post! Thanks for stopping by our blog. We look forward to following your journey!
-Julie
I know on a deep level that you can't compare loving children to loving pets, but I love my pets. I have 2 we adopted as kittens and 2 we adopted as full grown cats. I love them all equally and each differently and I certainly did not give birth to them.
Anyone who couldn't imagine loving a child that someone else gave birth to must be challenged in loving their spouse/partner. Think about it.
And yes, I've gotten the pity response when people find out we're adopting, like we're second rate parents for not biologically giving life to our own child, but I pity them for lacking an empathetic perspective.
I also agree with John Cusak's quote. We don't know why we haven't had children yet, and we don't care - there are children who need loving homes and good parents, and we have that to offer.
What an interesting topic. Seems many of us have thoughts to share on this. I have a few RL friends who have either adopted, are in the process or were themselves adopted so the topic of adopting has been around in my life for years. It has ONLY been in the last 6 months that my HEART has been changed and my view completely altered. In the past it wasn't that I thought I *couldn't* love another person's child but rather that I felt that the grief associated with a mom having to relinquish her child would be so heavy that I would not be able to joyfully raise that child. I see that now as a selfish view but one I didn't think I had control over. I'm not exactly sure what openned my eyes but I am a spiritual person. It was a sudden over-whelming feeling when I realized that my husband and I specifically are SUPPOSED to go to kaz and adopt a daughter. Now I will be able to do so with SO much LOVE in my heart knowing that this is the path we are meant to take. I am still close enough tho to remember that I didn't used to think adoption was for me. But I'm far enough into wishing to adopt that I agree that I'm starting to see blessed families and think thoughts of "I wonder if they have considered adopting?" -- I have to stop myself there tho because I do not really think adoption IS for everyone.
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