Yesterday was the toughest day, and we may have reached our breaking point.
Since we signed up for this over a year ago, the Kazakhstan adoption program has undergone enormous changes. It's a different animal now. And so here we are -- days before we should be travelling -- and we are grappling with whether or not we can do it.
Why?
* Kaz has changed the rules and processing times over the years. It looks like I will have to be in-country a full 8 weeks.
* Our expected travel dates have been moved numerous times, pushing us into the more expensive airfare months of the year.
* To top it off, yesterday we received news from our agency that all Little Miracles families just received a significant fee increase, effective immediately regardless of where we are in the process, due to the decline of the US dollar, etc. Yes – we’re getting this news literally days before we should be traveling. Seriously? I mean seriously???
* There are no guarantees that something else won’t change again when we are overseas.
It's scary. It doesn’t help our frame of mind that the availability of babies under the age of 1 has seemed to disappear. We are excited about the children we will be meeting, but the dangling carrot keeps getting moved, keeps going up in cost, and we can’t even be sure if it’s really a carrot at all.
We are not a bottomless well of money, or bottomless well of emotional resilience. We have been more than flexible with the many changes that have come our way during the past year. Two days ago, we were pretty maxxed out, but fine. With our agency springing this fee increase on us at the last minute, especially in light of all that has happened with the Kaz administrative changes, it felt like the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s hard not to feel like we’re being taken for desperate fools.
Is it time to abandon ship and cut our losses? Has the past year of blood, sweat, tears, hope and anticipation been all for naught? Do we wave goodbye to thousands upon thousands of dollars and endless hours of work we’ve already invested in this process and won’t get back? Do we simply say goodbye to the abandoned child we wanted to give a loving home to and provide a chance to become everything he or she dreamed of? Do we just forget about all the happiness and joy that family life brings, and go back to our life the way it was before? Would it ever really be the same?
To make matters worse, as of last night we have a difference in opinion about what we should do. Not an easy thing. Even if we continue onward, so much of the joy has suddenly been sucked out of these last days of happy anticipation.
It just wasn’t supposed to be this hard.
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26 comments:
Oh NOOOO!!! I feel so bad for you guys, how awful to have this sprung on you now. Only you guys can know what's best for you. I can tell you it's worth everything, everything you go through when you hold the child meant for only you. I will be thinking & praying for you, this is tough!
Hugs-
Ann
Oh my dear friends. This is AWFUL. What a stressful experience you are enduring. Just beyond. I so know the feeling of being stretched beyond anything ever financially and emotionally. I think it sucks ROYALLY that LMI did a blanket fee increase. It just sucks. It is - from our experience - so out of the realm of the way they have done business. It must be just so disappointing in millions of ways.
That, plus having to stay longer in Kaz. Well, what a thing.
This type of strain can be sooooo difficult to manage, especially if you are in different places about how to proceed. There were days - across the years - when we both felt we were buckling under the pressure. We'll be paying off debts for many years to come because of our choices and we are still, to be quite honest, in recovery from years of enduring such insanity - both with infertility treatments, surgeries and adoption stuff. HOWEVER, that all being said, you have come SOOOO far. And you are so close to one of the most incredible experiences of a lifetime. I know it seems totally insane (it is) and unmanageable (it might be) and over-the-top crazy (yup, it probably is)...but you might be more grief-stricken if you stop here. I know the urge is to pull back. And all of us will support you no matter what you choose and we'll cheer you on unconditionally - but it might be even more devastating to stop now. I don't know. I just want you to experience the best parts of this arduous, agonizing process so much - and to have it end on such a low, devastating note seems so sad.
That all being said - you are right. It was NOT supposed to be this hard. We agree. But it is. And it just sucks so much. So, for now, we send our love and we have faith that you'll come together somehow and make the best decision you can for yourselves as a couple.
With love and huge hugs. And so much understanding and affection.
The whole process is completely draining (emotionally and financially.) The experience is one of the most unbelievably, life changing journeys you will ever embark on. Given how monumental it is, it will have moments of complete stress. We had numerous panic attacks both before leaving for Kaz and while in country. Can we afford this? What if it doesn't work out? Should we really do this? It seems so hard...We were never on the same page during those freak outs- and I think that is truly what saved us. When I felt like I couldn't emotionally handle anymore, Adam was like- we can't give up. When Adam was like- we can't afford anymore, I was like- I am too emotionally invested. So while it is hard on a marriage to be on opposite sides, sometimes that is what saves you. We were in Kaz for 10 weeks exactly. We had budgeted for 7 weeks. Our agency sent us the old travel forms so we had the wrong expense list. Amounts were way off. We cried and stressed and fought with them, but in the end- worth every single tear and penny. I can give you tips on how to cut costs in country. Believe me- there are a lot of things you can do to lower your costs. I'll send a separate email with that.
But as Jen said above, we will all support you no matter what road you choose. And don't feel like you are alone. It 100% sucks that it is feeling like all of this is raining down on you, right now- during what should be the most exciting time but be strong. You have a whole lot of people sending their love, support and best wishes.
All my best....
Regina and Frank, now that our adoption is delayed we're not *days* away from travel like you are. We will travel in June. It does stink this all coming up now. It's scary. It does make you wonder what it'll be like in Kaz?
Before now we have been through years of tears - infertility. Negative comments from those who said, "give up!" For us...we are so close that I can't *not* go. I so connect with Jennifer on this. With my age, 45, and Pat leaving for Iraq or Afghanistan the beginning of next year - we personally have to make this work for us now.
That being said, it won't be easy for us either. What a shock to hear this news and about our delay all in one day.
If I were there...I'd give you a big hug!! I so don't want this to suck out the joy for you. Know that we are here for you. Know that we understand. I just don't know how to explain *why* this ends up being so hard!!! I can't even explain it to myself.
Love - Eileen
Regina and Frank
I know that this decision has to be one that you guys are comfortable with, however you are so close to your child, a child that you can love and give a better life. Lord knows I can understand how financially this is crazy, having been there done that and starting over I keep asking myself if I have lost my mind. There are definitely ways to save money in country with cooking etc.
However at the end of the day you guys need to do what is best for your family, just know your blogging community is here for you.
sending hugs your way.
Sandi
Oh honey, I don't even know what to say. I wish I had the words, the money, the hugs, the... anything to make this right. I don't even have advice, words of wisdom, or even a dried up, unwanted opinion. I know what having debt is like. Everything that could possibly go wrong did a month before we were to travel and we racked up a ton of debt. So much so that it at times feels like we could drown if even one ball we're juggling were to drop. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But would I do it all over again for my Gigi? Yep. No question.
My heart is so heavy for you and Frank. I hope you are able to work through this and I truly hope it becomes simply a bump in the road of your journey and not an impassable chasm.
I love you.
Well, I can't say that I blame you at all for being upset. I'd be furious about all this, especially since the value of the dollar has not decreased against the tenge all that much. And you already signed a contract agreeing to a certain price and now they spring this on you??
When I was in Kaz I said that same thing many times "it wasn't supposed to be this hard" and I'm still saying that during this time of transition home. Truth is that this is not for the faint of heart. I really hope that you continue - you're SO close - and you might regret not sticking it out in the future. Hang in there!
Kristi
I know this is a very hard and frustrating time. Don't get bogged down in the what if's. If we all wondered where every single penny was being spent we would go nuts, and you will never know for sure. You have to look at adoption expenses differently, would you pay a hospital to deliver your child even though you know they may be charging you $15 for every aspirin? Of course you would. Adoption is very expensive and even worse when extra fees just POP up. But in the end I PROMISE YOU!!! the second you hold your child it will all wash away. You should not cut yourself short you are destine to be the best parents!!!!!! If we need to raise money to help you than let us know, ladies get out your bake ware and your e bay items. As for the trip, other than the inconvenience, your longer stay will be great. To be in Kaz in spring and summer will be beautiful. You will LOVE every second of your time in Kaz, soak it up, become a local, take a guided trip through the city, enjoy being just the three of you, enjoy the food, go shopping in the outdoor markets just enjoy being in Kaz. When you come home you will be able to tell your child what a wonderful country they are from. All things precious in life are worth the wait and the hardship that got you there. We are behind you 100% and if we could be on a plane with you we would be the second happiest people in the world.
We love you and send good wishes,
Marc, Le Anne and Rhys Kieffer
Regina,
Exhausting beyond exhausting. I am sorry for what your are going through. Just curious...how MUCH longer are they wanting you to stay? an additional month? We have been hearing mixed stuff. Maybe in the grand scheme of things...it's money and time. That simple and that complicated. After all that you have invested both financially and emotionally, you will figure out how to see your way to the end. You will. You have come so far and are so close to being there!! I think (and hope) it is one of those things where just when you think you can't go one more single step...you find your way.
Hang in there. The stars are getting ready to align in your favor!
Heidi Biglin (dossier 'in translation', by the way!)
Regina, this has been such a sucky day for many in the adoption world (sucky is such an elegant word isn't it? But I think it's fitting).
You have tons of support in whatever you decide to do. But being just a bit ahead of you in the process and having met Alexa, I vote for you going. You won't regret it.
Regina and Frank, Oh my goodness. I was heartbroken reading this, and I can also tell you, that I can understand how you would feel this way. We've had several bumps or potholes thrown in our way too. Kaz is making it harder. The in country stay is LONG. For Kostanai, it's 30 days after bonding before court. We have no idea when and if we will travel, with rumors of the age thing. No one has a for sure answer. It's scary, it's hard, and I don't blame you for being scared, mad, nervous, angry.
I know you will do what is right for guys, but, I ask that you give yourself a day or two to cool off, and really mediate and think about your final goal in this. The final goal is a child-and I do know that you will be incredible parents. I guess you have to really ask yourself some questions to. Does it really mattter if your child is over one? I was set on a younger child, but now i am seeing all these wonderful toddlers being adopted. They're still "babies" too and they still are cuddly and sweet and adorable. Will they have issues? Maybe, but babies may too.
You have overwhelming support, and you have every right to every emotion you are feeling. I would urge you not to rush into a decision until you have time to process it some more.
I have had many tears and fears the last few months. It's so much harder now than it was when we all started this journey.
Love to you and prayers for you guys. You are wonderul wonderful people and you will make wonderful parents!
Love you,
Susan
Wow, we have some eerily similarities in our posts today (though I'm not ready to throw in the towel over the frustrations - got too much invested). We got the fee increase email as well. We've already dealt with the increase in length of time in Kaz as in January Semey changed their policy about waiving the appeals period and also decided to up the wait time for court, etc. Is there some other change we should know about? Some families were staying for 9 weeks (!) but many were still getting out of there in 7 as long as they didn't hit any major holidays nor other snags. As you know, I completely share your frustration and feeling bad that I should feel this bitter and angry about what should be a very happy event. This is compounded by the fact that we've waited well past the 'normal' length of time for an LOI to be issued ... (and this is what is causing most of the heartbreak!) I just can't find the silver lining any longer.
But, NO, you are not going to give up - WE are not going to give up here at the 11th hour. You, Regina, and you, Frank, are going to swallow the bitter pill and wash it down with a stiff drink. Then get back on the bandwagon. I guess we won't be eating out as much while we are over there and will have to worry about paying off the credit card bills later. But not today. There are lots of stories of families needing to "roll with the punches" during the process so you will just have to do the same. (How's that for "tough love?") Seriously, you've come too far to give up. You have to find a way.
p.s. I don't think the available kids have dried up - I'm getting the impression that our agency just processes referrals first. Which would have been good information to have had when we started the process not now after waiting for 4 months for an LOI when most referral LOIs were processed within 2-6 weeks!
Regina and Frank, Oh my goodness. I was heartbroken reading this, and I can also tell you, that I can understand how you would feel this way. We've had several bumps or potholes thrown in our way too. Kaz is making it harder. The in country stay is LONG. For Kostanai, it's 30 days after bonding before court. We have no idea when and if we will travel, with rumors of the age thing. No one has a for sure answer. It's scary, it's hard, and I don't blame you for being scared, mad, nervous, angry.
I know you will do what is right for guys, but, I ask that you give yourself a day or two to cool off, and really mediate and think about your final goal in this. The final goal is a child-and I do know that you will be incredible parents. I guess you have to really ask yourself some questions to. Does it really mattter if your child is over one? I was set on a younger child, but now i am seeing all these wonderful toddlers being adopted. They're still "babies" too and they still are cuddly and sweet and adorable. Will they have issues? Maybe, but babies may too.
You have overwhelming support, and you have every right to every emotion you are feeling. I would urge you not to rush into a decision until you have time to process it some more.
I have had many tears and fears the last few months. It's so much harder now than it was when we all started this journey. This process is VERY POLITICAL, and i dont think any of us understand how it all works. I don't think I really even care to know.
Love to you and prayers for you guys. You are wonderul wonderful people and you will make wonderful parents!
Love you,
Susan
Oh my gush! I am so sorry to read this, with so many changes from one day to the other, just wondering whats next? Roller coaster is a too soft word for what is going on. Until I will see my children home I will not be able to relax.
My advice? I am not suposed to give advices, since this should be a very personal decision, but as a friend I would tell you: Just dont give up. You are so close. It is very hard financially, extremely expensive, but if you think of how much you will lose if you give up the adoption (and I am not talking only about money), I think is well worth the try. Somebody said "If you really want something to happen, the entire Universe will conspire so that your dream come true!".
Also, maybe you wanted a baby (as I did), but what difference will be between a 10 months old and a 14months? The older they are, the more likely they will have delays from staying in the orphanage, this is very true. However, the younger they are, the more difficult to pick up developmental delays, behavior problems or personality issues which will be much more difficult to correct. even some genetic features are sometimes more difficult to pick up in babies.
You are so right, this wasn`t supposed to be so hard. It is not fair. I hope from all my heart your dream will come true and in less than 3 weeks you will get the LOI.
Many hugs,
Catalina
heres my opinion...and you didnt ask but I am giving...
you are almost there. almost. and really, what other options are there? i mean you are so close that i dont think you should walk away. money is always tight and i just came to that realization....i think you are going to regret it if you quit now. and all this is going to be a moot point once baby is home...that being said i feel the frustration. really.....its almost too much
Seems my first comment disappeared into Blogger cyberspace -- can nothing go right this week?!
Anyway, know exactly how you feel. All I can say is to follow your hearts. This is a stressful, overwhelming, and emotional time. Keep that in mind. Whatever the two of you decide to do, will be right choice for you and we will all be here to support you.
Sending big hugs, best wishes, and soothing mantras your way.
Alysa
Frank & Regina,
My heart hurts for you. I am so sorry to hear about these recent developments. I wish I could add something different than the earlier comments, but parenting has its challenges, just like adoption. Remember during the home visit, I told you, every day is not a walk in the park, but fortunately the good days outweigh the bad & you WILL make the right decision.
God bless you during this difficult time & you will be in my thoughts & prayers.
ths
My dear sweet friend~
I don't know what to say, but you know I'll try...so here goes. NEVER SAY NEVER!!!! It's your motto, your creed, your battle cry. You've gotta see it through, guys. I know the costs are high, both financially and emotionally, but the payoffs for the rest of your life with Haibibi are more than worth it. I agree with Susan...take a day or two to let all of this sink in and don't make a hasty decision. You are too close and have invested so much for so long. It truly sucks that this was all sprung on your last minute, but like you said in an earlier post, the crap you are going through is only going to make the magical moment when you are boarding that plane in Kaz with Haibibi in your arms ever sweeter. No matter what you all decide, you are supported and loved. If there is anything any of us can do, we will!!!
I love you guys. Keep holding on.
Dear Regina and Frank
I don't know if all this "advice" helps you at all, but I've been thinking of you since reading your post and I have to comment. I know you have to make the decision best for you, but ...
Please don't give up.
We too faced a huge obstacle in bringing home our son. It wasn't a fee increase, but it involved additional travel, more months of waiting, and more than $10,000 in additional expenses.
At the time I really thought the universe was telling us that this was not the path for us. Like you I questioned whether we should continue on and I certainly had all the joy sucked out of the process. But after a few days of tears we did carry on, and it was the best decision we ever, ever made.
Yes, we are in debt and on a super strict budget. Yes, it was all a lot harder than "it was supposed to be".
But my son's laugh is the best sound in the world, he is sooo worth going through anything, and I cannot imagine my life without him. I promise you that you will feel the same way when you meet your child.
Please don't give up.
Wishing you peace,
Jodi
Frank & Regina, I am so, so, so, so sorry. I completely understand your frustrations, your fears, your disappointment, & your anger. I've definitely felt it, too. I'm feeling pretty emotionally numb about the whole thing right now, wondering if this will happen for us or if the blood, sweat, tears, and years of waiting were in vain. You're not alone.
I wish you peace in your decision-making process. I hope you hang in there, throw caution to the wind, and just let it happen. It's true what everyone else here has said... it's SO close now!
Best wishes to you both.
This sucks. When we traveled, we expected to be in country a total of 3 weeks for the first trip. When we arrived, we found that our pre-court was scheduled over a week after our visitation ended and that court would not be scheduled until a week after our pre-court. Our first trip ended up being a tad over 5 weeks, our second trip...3 weeks later...ended up being a week (holiday's made it longer than it could have been). I am sorry to hear about the increase, that somehow does not seem very fair when you are this close. But PLEASE hang in there! If you choose not to complete your adoption, you will always ask yourself "WHAT IF..." you are so close to Habibi, push the anger aside and go get him/her! When it is all said and done, this feeling will become a distant memory :)
Thinking about you...
Lisa Masse
I've removed a couple of comments because of inaccurate information. If you are concerned why you don't see your comment anymore, feel free to e-mail me.
Hi Regina and Frank. I hope you will continue on. I think you are right at the tail end and it is exhausting at this point. Everything you have has been drained out of you - I totally understand....I consider myself a tough chick and I was pushed right up to my own personal breaking point. It was worth it. It will be worth it all. Listen to the people that are standing on the other side of the finished line. It is worth it..... x 2. You guys can make it - don't look at the overwhelming big picture. Look at each problem individually and tackle them each that way. Don't deal with or handle a single thing that doesn't need handling at this point. Your goal here is simply survival - to make it over the last few hurdles to your goal. And that is what you have in front of you only a few more roadblocks....I don't mean to make light of those roadblocks - they are real and they are there - I just want to cheer you on and remind you that you can do it. You can make it all work - you can survive it all - and you can go get your child.
Hi Guys-
I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you!!!!
Holly
I don't know what more I can add to the testaments before me I can only say that I think each and everyone us at one time or another goes through a freak out period with all the why's, if's, why nots, can't be's, it's too much, too difficult etc., etc.........
None if this is easy and it really does suck.
Please know you have a sea of support and love out here and only wish you the best knowing the decisions you face are not easy ones............my thougts & prayers are with you.
Sincerely,
Darlene
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