Threshold

Anthropologists have a word for the state of being that occurs in transitional moments: Liminality, from the Latin word limen, meaning “threshold.”

At liminal times we are moving out of “here” but are not yet “there.” When standing on a threshold we look back at the past as we prepare ourselves for an uncharted future. In the words of a proverb, “The most difficult mountain to cross is the threshold.”

In all of life’s natural passages, we know in our hearts when that liminal time is upon us. In becoming a parent through adoption, this liminal time is often extended for unnatural and uncomfortable amounts of time.

Being at this threshold of parenthood is thrilling, but it's hard when you have emotionally crossed over, yet the calendar and government agencies are the ones in control of the matters at hand.

We do what we can to sustain ourselves until we’re allowed to pass through. Planning for the emotional and practical needs of family life helps pass the time. Readying ourselves has required an enormous amount of both inner and outer tending, including consciously letting go of the self-centeredness of the past, readying ourselves to focus our energy on our child.

There have been several times during the past few months that I have thought, “It wasn’t supposed to be this hard.” Along our adoption journey there have been some tough decisions that needed to be made, which we haven’t shared with anyone but our closest circle. Even though I’m a realist, I sometimes feel disappointed that our yellow brick road has not been made of pure gold. I didn't want to feel negative feelings associated with such a joyous journey.

But what is a negative feeling anyway? I am reminded of a quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, which says “There is nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” (How awful that Mr. Smith broke his rib. But how lucky because the x-rays detected the lung cancer early. How sad that he had to miss the party because of his chemo. But how fortunate because he didn’t get killed in the fire at the clubhouse...)

I recently wrote to a friend who was experiencing some “bad” emotions that during rough times we should try to remember that light can only be understood in relation to darkness, movement in relationship to stillness, and creation in relation to destruction and decay. It is the destructive carving of a piece of wood that creates the beautiful bowl. In essence, we can't feel joy, love, happiness, serenity and bliss without also feeling sadness, frustration, fear, turmoil and pain. They simply could not exist without the other. So we should try to be grateful for the "bad" stuff because it allows us to experience the good. They are the same thing, turned inside out and on opposite ends of the same spectrum.

Yes, easier philosophized than done.