During the last couple of days, a strange sensation has occasionally drifted over me. It's the very real, physical sensation of falling. It's different from the rush I get before a performance, as it's centered more in my eyes and head than in my chest and stomach. I've never felt quite this way before. It's a new kind of fear, and it has taken me completely by surprise.
What am I afraid of?
Well, there is the obvious: Traveling halfway around the world to a developing country to live for many weeks; making a lifelong decision to adopt a child we've never met, with little information, little time and on limited sleep; being so far away from home in these post-9/11 times; hearing about a devastating earthquake in China knowing my friends are there now adopting a baby girl; having complete responsibility for someone else's health, safety and happiness; knowing that our 'perfect' dreams will most certainly become an imperfect reality; and thinking about those long flights home with just me and the baby.
I also keep remembering the time I asked a new dad what his biggest surprise/adjustment to parenthood was. Without hesitation, he said in his best hippie voice ...
"It's just so constant."
We all laughed, but it's true. This ain't no babysitting job.
Even more than all of these things, I think it mostly terrifies me that in order to experience the depths of joy and love that a child brings, one has to be vulnerable to the depths of pain.
What am I afraid of?
Well, there is the obvious: Traveling halfway around the world to a developing country to live for many weeks; making a lifelong decision to adopt a child we've never met, with little information, little time and on limited sleep; being so far away from home in these post-9/11 times; hearing about a devastating earthquake in China knowing my friends are there now adopting a baby girl; having complete responsibility for someone else's health, safety and happiness; knowing that our 'perfect' dreams will most certainly become an imperfect reality; and thinking about those long flights home with just me and the baby.
I also keep remembering the time I asked a new dad what his biggest surprise/adjustment to parenthood was. Without hesitation, he said in his best hippie voice ...
"It's just so constant."
We all laughed, but it's true. This ain't no babysitting job.
Even more than all of these things, I think it mostly terrifies me that in order to experience the depths of joy and love that a child brings, one has to be vulnerable to the depths of pain.
Am I still excited about all of this? Oh, you betcha. Am I still overflowing with faith, hope and love? Absolutely, sister. Am I scared? Hell yes, I'm scared.
But somehow ... somehow ... I know that everything will be alright. Even if it's not alright.
“The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.”
- Charles DuBois
22 comments:
My friend Regina,
The feelings you have are so real and so right. I am so glad you are being so open and honest, it will make your trip that much more special. This is a trip of a lifetime and it is not easy but it is going to be more then worth it for you and Frank. You guys are going to be wonderful parents and although the responsibilities will be enormous what you are going to get in return is more love then you ever imagined.
Hugs, prayers and many thoughts of a safe journey for you guys. Just remember to breathe,each step of the way to your child, just breathe.
Xoxo Sandi
Yes I am certain the overwhleming feelings you are experiencing are freaking you out but in the end everything will be as it supposed to, you guys will be parents of a child who will love you in a way you could never imagained and although life as you know it will be forever changed it will be changed in a way that will be forever wonderful.
You have taken the leap now it's time to land to all things good & wonderful!!
Darlene
I think it's amazing how you express yourself. It IS really scary-no doubt about that!!! It is a life altering even that will involve CONSTANT unending change. :)
Change is scary in and of itself.
But hey,where there is no risk, there is no reward.
The reward will be incredible for you as your new family is formed.
And, you got cheerleaders on the sidelines!!!
Keeping you and Frank and Habibi in our thoughts and prayers.
Deep yoga breaths. :)
ps. did you pack more than 3 outfits?
Constant, indeed!!
I remember feeling many of the same fears at various points in the adoption process. Mostly each time an additional stage of committment was asked for on our part. Purchasing those plane tickets and zipping up the suitcases symbolized the final committment, even though the point of no return was long past.
Once you get home, those anxieties become a distant memory. Partly because there is no time to focus on them! But mostly because you have a beautiful, vibrant, magical little life interacting with you every minute of the day. Except naptime. And it's wonderful! (Especially at naptime!) Oh so very, very constant... but so very wonderful as well.
Relish the rush of emotion. It means this is real - just as you wanted it.
We are thinking of you guys this week and will be checking your blog frequently for news.
Sara
You just have to keep hanging on tight and remember to open your eyes for the wild ride. I definitely think you're both already doing that, and you're brave and wonderful and caring for all these steps you've taken, and all those you are excited to take.
I can't wait to keep reading about your adventures -- I'll be thinking of you two--and you three!
Regina, thank you for sharing how you're feeling about this. You've expressed what I seem to be going through too. Funny that as it gets closer to the time for travel...that the fear starts to creep in. My sister and a friend of mine said that I'll make mistakes - everyone does.
However like you said, this feeling is always followed with knowing that everything will work out somehow and be alright!
Eileen
Regina, I had internet problems for many days and knew there would be wonderful news when I finally was able to log back on. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you begin your incredible journey to be parents! I have no doubt in my mind that you will be wonderful parents -- providing Habibi with all that s/he needs to thrive and grow and love! I will follow your journey with baited breath each day and send wishes for a wonderful "reunion" with Habibi because surely s/he exists very much for you and it's just a matter of finally hugging him for the first time.
Much love!
Stephanie
I read this last night and thought that it was particularly fitting for this process. It provided me with a sense of peace.
"Every time I act without knowing the outcome, with the risk of failure looming before me, I try to see that as a spirtual moment. Every time I transcend my limitations or touch something larger than myself: one step closer." - Faith Adiele, Buddhist nun
Get ready for lots of spirtual moments :).
Everything will be alright- just a new "alright." And if you weren't scared, you wouldn't be real. It is a huge, life changing journey you are embarking on. And anything that is worth anything is always scary. There will be happy tears and scared tears, frustrated tears and tears of amazement along the way. It is unquestionably the most emotional experience of your life, and undeniably the most magical, amazing experience as well.
Enjoy your last night at home!
I cannot tell you how hard your post hit me. I am totally in tears. Everything you said is so spot-on. It is everything all at once. It is the best thing in the world. And it is an awesome, terrifying responsibility. And wow it sure is constant. I write this as I cram in chores and work and blog time into a 1.5 hour nap for Aila. Oh my, I am totally weeping.
Cannot wait for you to get to the other side safely. So joyful for you. Love to you both.
Well said, Regina! You perfectly summed up my faith, fears, and excitement. The relative balance of faith, fear, or excitement tends to shift dramatically from day-to-day (or even from hour-to-hour as we get happy or unhappy news from our adoption agency or from others in the midst of the adoption process). I find myself really wishing that I could ignore the fear and focus on the excitement... but Russell (my hubby) keeps telling me that fear & excitement are two sides of the same coin - it's hard to have one without the other!
As you guys prepare to take off tomorrow, know that many thoughts and prayers are going with you. All of your feelings are spot on - and they will intensify as you land in Kaz, as you go to the baby house, as you meet your child. The first few days are challenging, no doubt about it. But you guys are ready, you have been waiting, it is your turn to experience the land that has given birth to your child. Safe travels, many blessings. Take one moment at a time :)
(and yes, naps become very, very precious blocks of time :)
Hi Regina and Frank!!! One day till take off!!!! Good luck!! All will go well!!! Karina and I will be watching to see events as they unfold!!!
Don't forget there is free wifi in the coffee shop and I believe also the restaurant in the Almaty airport. Helps to pass the time of a layover. Don't have any of the pasteries in the coffee shop - they are usually old. Juice is good though - try the juice! Oh how I miss the juice!
It will be alright - promise.
There will be times when you wonder what possessed you to re-think this decision, but I promise you that you will NEVER regret it, no matter what happens. Karla's Mom
There are in fact times when it's not alright, but it is alright to lock yourself in the bathroom for a few. There is such thing as post-adoption depression, but the good news is that - being such motivated parents - I mean, we went through all this just to be parents! - we figure out a way to move forward NO MATTER WHAT. Been there, doing that, and I definitely get it. FA Dana in Charleston
Hi guys can you believe you leave tomorrow!! Marc's advice to you for the fear is just go numb. Once you get there you are so tired and it is a world wind of activity. Before you know it you found Habibi and you are bonding. So tomorrow go have a wonderful breakfast or lunch hop on that plane get to Almaty have a burger at Mad Murphy go to Aktobe and find that baby. Oh and can you post ASAP please.
Love and good wishes are being sent your way,
Marc, Le Anne and Rhys
You summed that up well! I can totally relate as our time gets closer and closer. Wishing you all the best with your journey to your child. Draw on the strength of those who have gone before you and know that you have a lot of support out there. Good luck. Tricia
BON VOYAGE!
Great talking to you last night and am sending my love and best good vibes that all goes smoothly on your trip. Update ASAP, we will all be wondering how things are going. I will miss you and can't wait to hear what happens next in this wild journey to Haibibi. Be safe, love you guys, have fun, take care.
Yes, everything WILL be alright, better than just alright I think. I just can't wait! Your posts are so real, I just love reading them. Your fears are so valid. I think that once you get to Aqtobe, get settled at the Posh Amsterdam Hotel, and meet your child, your bits of anxiety and worry will subside and you will make the memories of your life.
:) Safe Travels, you are almost there!
Christy
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