Week 1 - Hurricane Milo

Hello! Sorry it has taken so long to post an update, but there is this little gremlin that takes up 97% of my time these days! I guess I shouldn't be such a perfectionist anymore with my blog writing, but old habits die hard.

All is well here, although we got off to a rough start. But good things first:

Milo is doing just fine! He is generally a cheerful little boy and wakes up with a smile every day. He is eating well and loves everything I’ve fed him so far. He is very active, curious and fearless!

He seems to enjoy music -especially slow songs. Whenever he hears music he does a little twirl with his hands in the air, or he sways back and forth from foot to foot. It's something I believe they taught him in their "music and dancing time" at the orphanage.

Our relationship has grown leaps and bounds in one short week, and we beginning to understand each other on many levels. It’s an indescribable feeling. I love him more every day and I can only imagine what it will be like as our relationship deepens over the coming weeks, months and years.

I can't believe how much English he already understands. It's just little words and phrases, but I'm impressed! He is comfortable with me and seems to be bonding to me well. He comes to me whenever he gets the slightest boo-boo and he wants me to kiss it. He wants to be in the same room as I am, and if I so much as walk into the kitchen to toss something into the garbage he is right behind me. He likes to be held in my lap while we read a book, or while we file his toenails. (I think they might have done this at the orphanage because when I was filing my own nails he just climbed right up and gave me his foot!)

He has fallen asleep in my arms 3 times – twice before his nap and once before bedtime. What a sweet, sweet feeling. At first, it took hours to get him to sleep, but he is doing better now. It usually takes no more than 30 minutes. When he finally drifts off, he sleeps 2.5 hours for his nap, and in the evenings he sleeps through the entire night. He goes to bed between 7:00-8:00pm and wakes up around 6:00-6:30am every day. Those of you who know me well know that these early mornings have been really tough for me!

Water in general makes him insanely happy. During his baths I often have to keep him from hurting himself while he flails around in the tub with unbridled joy. He rolls around like a log, and even likes it when his whole face is submerged. He blows bubbles, splashes like a duck and squeals with delight. I have finally gotten him to stay seated, which was my biggest challenge here. He could stay in the tub all night long and he bawls when I take him out.

Once, after I had mopped the living room floor, he found a residual wet spot and immediately plopped down to gleefully slide around in it. Whenever I wash his hands in the sink, he dips his head in to get it all wet too. Crazy about water I tell you! I've never seen anything like it. I can't wait to get this boy to the beach and into a big swimming pool.

Although it has been wonderful having him here with me, it has been a lot of hard work helping him through this traumatic time in his life. Milo is old enough to understand that he is out of his element. He has been adjusting and mourning. Plus, he is simply a rambunctious two-year-old learning new boundaries and unlearning old ones. Not an easy combination!


Our first 4 days together were incredibly intense. During this time about 80% of our time together in the apartment was spent with me chasing, scolding and redirecting him. He was on a mission to explore and eat everything he could get his hands on. He also incessantly whined for me to give him anything and everything within his line of vision, as well as begged me to go outside constantly. When I didn’t comply, the tantrums started. Big ole hearty, spirited, fall-on-the-floor tantrums.

During the times we had fun together in the apartment he would be so excited that he would soon start his fake biting attempts, or sometimes try to pinch me, laughing all the while. I managed to avoid his "love bites," except for one time when he actually bit my finger hard. Trust me, those are some big, scary choppers, especially when they are coming at you!

Day 4 was the worst day of all, and I eventually succumbed to my own sobs of frustration and just plain tiredness. I desperately longed for just 5 minutes of silence, and for a brief moment I felt my love and sympathy overshadowed by frustration and anger. I didn't know how I was going to make it for another 2-3 weeks.

On that day, I caught Milo writing the following letter:

“Help! Is anybody out there??? I’ve been kidnapped! My name is Damir Sultanov and I was taken from my home at Ymit Baby House 4 days ago by this woman who I thought was my friend. She was a great playmate when she came to visit me every day, but I didn’t sign up for being kidnapped by her! She is being nice to me, but I’m totally freaking out and I want to go back home! I’m trying everything I can to drive her crazy enough to take me back. I constantly demand that she gives me everything I see. But she won’t do it. I bring her shoes to her 12 times a day so she will take me outside where I can call for help (or at least get my mind off things at the playground.) I cry for a bath constantly. When she doesn’t give me what I want I get so mad. I have been throwing the best tantrums I can muster. You should see it—oh yeah I am rocking her world. I am hoping the neighbors hear it and call the police. I’m surprised they haven’t. So now I’ve resorted to having the snottiest nose, stinkiest poots and dirtiest diapers I can muster. I often hear her talking on the phone to that guy who used to visit me with her. It sounds like they are conspiring about something really big. I’m worried. Please send help now!”

Seriously, I have felt so bad for Milo, and even in the times when it seems he has little horns out I have mostly just felt sympathy for him. His behaviors are all expected for a kid in his shoes. The poor baby has had his predictable life turned completely upside down. He is confused and distraught, and certainly doesn't like all these new restrictions being set. He is also bereaved and yearning for his comfort zone, his caregivers and his familiar routine.

I know he misses the baby house. I'm sure that he once thought I was taking him back there. As we were walking by somebody’s laundry hanging out to dry it looked just like the baby house grounds, which are always full of laundry on clotheslines. Milo got so excited and RAN as fast as he could toward it, pulling me with me and whining with excitement. But when we got there he looked around and was confused. Nothing else looked familiar. It wasn’t the baby house. He was so sad. I have never felt more sorry for anyone in my life. The same thing happened again when we once approached an iron fence that looks exactly like the baby house fence. So pitiful!

I’m relieved and happy to say that we turned a corner on day 5, and things have been about 80% better since then. I attribute this to several things, but largely because I started using a “holding technique” explained in this link http://www.helium.com/items/508659-creative-discipline-that-really-works as a consequence of unacceptable behaviors. The results are amazing, and I saw the positive effects of this the very same day. I highly recommend it for parents with children under 4 -- as long as you are significantly stronger than them it should work without any risk of ever hurting them. (This is not the same thing as the controversial "holding therapy" sometimes used in attachment therapy.)

Also, I have stuck to his schedule from the baby house pretty strictly, and I have been giving him consistent affection and discipline. I never have given in to a single tantrum. Not once! That has not been easy, but they have greatly reduced in frequency and length, and now he often just accepts my “no” and moves on. I can hardly believe my eyes sometimes. :-) I can tell he is very slowly letting go of his old life. We are having lots more fun now, and mostly positive and normal interactions. My sweet little adorable and charming boy is back. Mostly. ;-) And yes, I know we've only just begun the long process of true bonding and attachment, and there will be many more bad days and challenges ahead...adoption-related and not. Plus we have two more big transitions to get him through -- Almaty and Charleston. I'm not kidding myself by thinking we're out of the woods yet.

I would equate this experience to taming a wild horse while also emotionally supporting someone who has suffered an enormous personal loss and moved to a strange new foreign city all at once. And doing this while also starting on an vigorious new workout regime! Caring for a 2-year old has been so physically demanding, and my hamstrings and my back were absolutely screaming at one point. (I once broke a vertebrae and so my back is wacky to begin with.) I wish I had better prepared myself to continually lift and tend to the needs of 26 pounds of toddler 500 times a day! Thank goodness Alysa, my fellow adoptive parent here in Aqtobe, told me about the trick of lying on a tennis ball to apply deep pressure to my back muscles, which helps with spasms and general tension. It has been a lifesaver. She also let me borrow her tennis ball until we found some at the market. Yes, I guess someone plays tennis in Aqtobe!

Speaking of Alysa, everything finally checked out okay with her IA doctor, so she has officially announced her new son, Kailyr Braden (or Braden Kailyr-final order TBD)! His given name is Kairat (pronounced Kye-rot) and he is the cutest little 8-month old, Kazakh pumpkin pie with a laugh that would melt your heart! I am so happy for them and it was an honor to spend time with both of them here in Aqtobe.

Alysa and I both leave for Almaty on FRIDAY morning – in 2 days!

Alysa will be heading back to Denver right away to await her court date in 5-6 weeks.

Milo and I are expecting to be in Almaty between 7–10 days before finally going home to America. His paperwork is coming along quickly and if we are really lucky we might actually leave on the following Friday. So it looks like we just might have our little guy home before his 2nd birthday after all. Papa, get the swimming pool ready!