I’m so overjoyed, and I also feel a healthy measure of fear. I just hope I can keep him safe from harm because he wants to climb, explore and eat everything. It will be interesting to see how Milo reacts to all the newness of tomorrow and the coming days. We have a very good relationship, and he looks to me for comfort and approval, which I hope will help ease his transition.
Tonight I am thinking a lot about the other women in Milo’s life – his caregivers at the baby house. There is one in particular who had tears in her eyes when she asked me when we would be leaving. I have the deepest respect and appreciation for these women, and I'm feeling very sorrowful for the loss of his relationship with them. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel almost guilty taking him away.
I’m also thinking tonight about Milo’s birthfamily. Without them, we wouldn’t have Milo, and I honor and give thanks to them for this beautiful child. I feel it is important to especially remember Milo’s birthmother and express gratitude for her taking care of him for his first 9 months of existence. In other blogs I’ve read about people seeing young women walking into the baby house with an infant, or walking out and collapsing on a bench in a sobbing heap of grief. I can’t imagine what Milo's birthmother went through to make the decision to relinquish him. I like to think that she did it because she dreamed of him being adopted by a loving family, and having a better life than she could have provided. I truly wish that I could meet her and reassure her of this.
A fellow adoptive parent, Amy, once wrote in her blog:
“I wish that there was some way to experience the joy of this with no repercussions, but the truth is that generally speaking the path to adoption is littered with varying degrees of human suffering. Whether it is the child that suffered some form of neglect before coming to the baby house, the parents that for one reason or another could not care for their child, or the sister that chooses to suffer to give her sister a chance at a life with more possibilities. It breaks my heart to think that money, or lack thereof, is the cause for so much of this suffering….I now think I actually have contempt for it. It truly is just paper after all, and yet it has so much power to affect and inflict so much pain on people all over the world. I wish that my daughter and my daughter’s family had not been at its mercy.”
I know exactly what she means. Right at this moment I feel incredibly fortunate, but also a little bit selfish. I can’t help but think that if we had donated our adoption costs to Milo’s birthfamily, they would probably be able to take care of him themselves for many years. It’s a weird, paradoxical emotion, with complex philosophical and political questions.
I guess I am just feeling so grateful for being given the honor of having this incredible little person as our son. The fact of the matter is he needs a family, and we need him. Bringing him into our lives has taken an enormous amount of work, patience and proving ourselves as worthy. I can hardly believe that tomorrow we will cross the final legal threshold. (Papa, we wish you were here with us, but we will be saying your name and giving your photograph many kisses, and we look forward to hearing your voice on the phone as soon as we are able.)
Tonight as sweet little Milo sleeps, he has no idea that tomorrow we will walk out of that baby house for the last time. He won't know to turn back and take one final long look...to hug his caregivers extra hard...to say thank you to those who have cared for him for nearly two years. So I will do it for him. And I will always tell him about how happy and loved he was at Hope Baby House.
29 comments:
Regina, That was a beautiful post. You captured so well the range of emotions that I experienced in those last days before Erlan was ours full time. I'm sure Milo will be delighted when he gets to be with you full time. Erlan kept going from room to room with a huge smile on his face as he saw that we were always there. -Karla
Oh Girl, you are making me cry. It IS such a rush of emotions! You will experience them again and again. You will never be the same again. Adoption is such a hard but sweet journey. There are many days still that Nick will say something or do something and the shock of it all overwhelms me again. We are so blessed by these little sweet Kazakhs, aren't we!?
Hugs to you on you special Gotcha day! Don't forget to have the Duct tape ready......toddler invasion eminent! ha! karen
Regina, what a beautiful touching post. Milo is lucky, and so are you. Congratulations!
Shannon
Hi Regina,
Your heart is showing throughout this latest update. It's a big wonderful moment for you, Frank and Milo.
Yes, it will be a little sad for him to leave those who have cared for him. But he will now be part of a family and will be very loved. You know that he has bonded with you and the love will grow and grow. You can see it in his face when you walk into a room.
You will be thought of tomorrow by many - that includes us!!
Hugs,
Eileen
Regina,
This was a beautiful post I read through tear-filled eyes. One of the most joyful things for me during this process is how connected you & Frank are personally to the adoption process. You will be amazing parents. Thinking happy thoughts for you guys tomorrow and can't wait to read the latest update before I leave town Thursday.
Regina
I too read through the tears, what a beautiful blog entry. Tomorrow is the start of a brand new life for you, frank and milo. An even fuller life awaits you as you bust out of those doors and begin your journey to motherhood. This is the moment you have been waiting for. As bittersweet as it is, you are giving Milo a wonderful life one filled with smiles, love and opportunities.
I will be praying for you as I sleep tonight and I can not wait to hear about your last visit to the baby house.
Hugs to you,
Sandi
Greetings from AirVenture 2008 in OshKosh, Wisconsin!!!!
You are in our thoughts as the final moments unfold. In airplane talk.... You are in final approach and the runway is in sight!
Regina,
Beautifully written and what a bitter sweet day you will have tomorrow. Everything happens for a reason and believe that you were meant to be in this moment with your new son...however the circumstances unfolded.
Thinking of you.
Susan
Oh Regina,
Such a moving post. You are such a loving mother already - and I cannot express enough how special it has been to follow you through this journey - up to now.
Will be checking in for updates soon, but we also know that once you have Milo, the updating will not be so easy. Know you are both (all) in our thoughts and prayers.
Jennifer
Wow Regina, the time is so near! I love your writing, I feel your emotions right thru the computer. You express the feelings I'm having and I'm not nearly as close in the process as you! Enjoy your "last" night of sleep alone! From now on, one (or both) of your 'boys' will be near you.
Margaret W
Frank and Regina,
It's technically Tuesday night here in Virginia, just before 10:00but it is Wednesday and Gotcha day there. I suspect you are already up, unable to sleep for your excitement and trepidation. I tend to check your blog at night, and I wanted you to know I've lit a candle tonight for you and Milo, for his caregivers, his birth grandmother who signed the papers, his birth parents, and all others who loved him enough to give him up. I will be thinking of you and believing that no evil doer will pop out of the woods to snatch him away at the last minute. Today Milo will be yours officially. Of course I'm crying as I write this, knowing as you do, that not everyone will necessarily be overjoyed. Milo's first family is losing their legal hold on him. You've all been in that gray area of living between his being theirs and officially being yours, but now you are entering the bright light where you are center stage, revealed as his true parents, the Mama and Papa he was always meant to have. I guess it must feel a little like being a transplant recipient, though--someone had to lose a life to give you life. But Milo is your life and your light. It's the right thing. He will lead the way for you as you parents feel your way around. You've had lots of practice with your nieces. Trust your instincts--all parents have them, even if they didn't start at the beginning but jumped over the baby hurdles into full-blown toddlerdom. I expect there will be a few bumps in your path, days when your boy is just so full of himself he won't know how to be sweet, or when he stops your hearts cold, like the day he made for the stairs, or the day when you turn your back for just a second and your little artist decorates the walls with your make-up (let me just say that those new magic sponges are nothing less than a miracle). Your heart will break, crack, melt, crumble and stop a million times over as Milo's parents (I'm still in awe that he said "Mama"!!) but you will always be eternally grateful for every one of those moments and for the fact that you are blessed to have them. Keep gushing over him, keep being playful with him, keep singing your songs and dancing the dance, and absolutely keep up your strength: you will need every ounce and more to keep up with your little pistol. Bright blessings to you all. Happy
Tears flowing freely here.... Beautiful and poignant post.
Sara
What an awesome post! I totally feel what you wrote! Tomorrow is what life is all about!
Congratulations Mommy!
Christy
Although I have followed many adoptive parents blogs - -few are as beautifully written as this entry - - like everyone else here in the wonderful country we love & as so blessed to be a citizen of, tears are in my eyes.
My prayers continue to be with all three of you!
ths
I loved that post, and am now sitting here with tears in my eyes. As I said in a previous comment, your love, admiration, and respect for where Milo came from and the people that cared for him for the early period in his life is so apparent. I imagine that one day, that will be really important to Milo.
Enjoy tomorrow. We will definitely be thinking of you, Frank, and Milo- Ruopoli party of three!!!
Lots of love....
As I sit here wiping the tears, I want to thank you for the privilege and honor of watching the story of your family unfold. As my family would say, Mazel Tov!!
Your blog is really award worthy in its depth, emotion, information, love, joy, history, truth, genuinity. Thank you!!
Steph
Well said!
Well here you are at the brink of real, true parent-hood! Kinda makes one want to squeal like a high-school girl. :-)
It's been a long tme in coming, but I couldn't be happier for you. Milo is truly perfection, and as the first child to grace your family, I can't think of a better match. (Leaving myself room to claim any future children you have are perfect too!!) :-)
No matter how smooth or chaotic the day ahead of you will be ('is' at this point), it will be a day to remember and treasure for the rest of your life.
My best and my love.
You have certainly shared with us so much of what adoption is all about.
Congratulations Regina , Frank and Milo - you are a family!!
Thank you for sharing with us these very emotional & heartfelt part of your lives.
Continued blessings!
Darlene
Regina, Frank & Milo,
I normally e-mail you directly, but I wanted to leave my congratulations here on this very special day. You are embarking on an adventure like no other but I know you will do just fine. Milo is blessed beyond measure to have you as his parents and the stars have aligned to bring you together. I'm so happy for you all and can't wait to meet Drew's newest playmate. God bless - Wendy
I continue to be in awe of my favorite sister-in-law, and cannot express the joy I feel for the three of you becoming a family. We'll email more later, of course. You've got a big day ahead of you. Just know I'm thinking about you. The West Ashley's crazies can't wait to hug all 3 of you and never stop!!! Be safe, be happy, be home soon!!
xoxoxo
KK
Milo,
As you will someday be able to look back upon all this and see, this is your day.
Sure life changes for all of us all the time, but on this day in your life, whole worlds opened and began to reveal themselves in ways you could not have previously imagine.
On this day, your mom lovingly walked with you through those doors that had been your home, and gratefully expressed her sincerest thanks for those who had so tenderly cared for you, and in that moment, you became Frank and Regina's son in every possible sense of the word.
Tonight, you will sleep in the apartment along with your mom and she will be there to feed you, hug you, bath you, and care for you while you will be there to reassure her, comfort her, and play with her.
You have so much to teach your new parents, so go slowly at first and give them a break. You also have tons to take in and absorb, so pace yourself.
It is overwhelming at first with all the new sounds, smells, sights, feelings, and all so don't rush it, and give yourself permission to be way overstimulated and uncontrollably freaked. It settles down fairly quickly once your parents have you back home with a routine.
I have been home now for just over 7 months, and I am still teaching my parents tons of new stuff everyday. You will find that they truly want to understand, they just aren't always that good at communicating what they want from you.
Raising parents is a tireless and thankless job but I guess someone has to do it and trust me, they need you more than they will likely ever say.
Be strong and know that there is a whole network of us from Kaz over here in the states who have adopted American parents and are doing the best we can to raise them well. Don't be afraid to lean on us during some of the more challenging moments. Take Care.
Love,
Tougy
p.s I guess now you complete the transition from PAT(Prospective Adoptive Toddler) to AT. Congrats!
Beautiful post. I too am in tears. Such a heartfelt tribute to those that have loved your son and will undoubtedly always have a special place in their hearts just for him.
I have had the unforgettable privilege and pleasure of seeing you in action with your sweet and fun little boy at the babyhouse. You are already a wonderful mother and Milo is truly blessed to have you both as parents. Your heart is full of love. Your feet are firmly on the ground. Your apartment is as Milo proofed as it can possibly be. You are ready. You are Mama.
You must be in full mommy mode without time to update us ;-) Can't wait to hear now the "gotcha" went!
Shannon
Regina, that is one of the most beautiful posts I have read. Milo is a lucky child in so many ways - but to have a Mom who feels so deeply, and who honors his roots, he is doubly blessed. Thank you. Trudi
THINKING OF YOU ALL SO MUCH TODAY!!!!
xoxoxo
A great post - you really captured the conflicting feelings of the process - and especially this day. Everyone who hasn't gone through this talks about how joyful it is to 'break him out' of the BH. But it really is bittersweet as the children do love their caregivers and vice versa. And I had the same internal conflicts thinking about the birthmother. I wanted so much to tell her that her son would be taken care of. And on the other hand, I internally - and selfishly - feared that she would come out during the appeals period. But in the end, frankly, I wish - for Miras' sake especially - that we could know her too as he grows up.
All the best - tears of joy and tears of sorrow - as you embark on this new journey of true, full-time, 24/7/365 motherhood. With all of its ups and downs. Pray for stamina! Ha!
Regina,
I am just sobbing reading your post, because I can relate to every emotion that you are feeling right now. I am wishing you both the best with the transition from the baby house. It looks like Rustam and I might be leaving for Almaty on the 10th. If not, then definitely on the 17th. Maybe we'll see each other. Good luck and enjoy your slotke mychick.
Tricia H.
Totally understand. Hope your first day home is only a little bit chaotic!!! Enjoy being able to spend all day with Milo for once!
This post was so well written. I completely understand how you feel and it's not crazy to feel bad for taking him away from there. I felt the same way but once you are home you will feel more like this is where he belongs. Things happen for a reason. I am just so happy for you, so so happy for you and Milo. These first few days are so special to the both of you. Remember and write (I know it's tough right now)everything you can to remember, take video and pictures if you can't write to remember these days. Congratulations on your forever family!!
Post a Comment