Antsy

I want to go, and I want to go now. Habibi has waited long enough. We have waited long enough. We are so ready to love that little child who needs a mommy and daddy. Every day that passes is a day that he/she isn't receiving the full attention, love and nutrition and that is needed to grow up as healthy and happy as possible. That is distressing.

There is a 9 hour time difference between us and Kaz, so I figure that the government officials leave their offices at about the same time we arrive at ours. They are working while we are sleeping, and so I presume our LOI would probably arrive in Andrea’s inbox in the middle of the night. Surely Andrea would call us as soon as she opens her e-mail in the morning and sees it, so when I don’t receive her call by noon I figure it’s not happening today. But then I think maybe she’s waiting to call until we are home together in the evening, and then my hope is reignited. But then I know she wouldn’t want us to miss the FedEx pickup time for our Visa applications, so surely she would call asap. Hope snuffed again.

Hey, wait a minute. I just remembered that tomorrow is a holiday in Kaz. It’s People’s Unity Day. Nobody will be working that day OR the next day according to this. Drat! Then it’s the weekend. Double drat! Boy, do they love their holidays over there. Come on my celebratory Kaz friends…let’s get this show on the road!

Sigh. Oh well. At least we will be able to follow through with some fun plans for this weekend. And the weather here is divine.

Maybe Monday will bring us the good news. Please let it bring us some good news!

In the meantime here are some recent photos from around the house.

World Map in Baby's Room

New Crib Location and Handpainted Sign


Handpainted Table
(The project that almost never ended.)

Cradle in Master Bedroom

(This is a Ruopoli family cradle that is actually very large and will
fit a toddler just fine. We plan to try co-sleeping with our child
for the first few months to promote bonding. We will keep
this cradle beside our bed in case Habibi is a very active sleeper
and it just doesn't work out having him/her between us.)

Paperwork: The Everlasting Gobstopper


Happy Japanese Maple


Jasmine's First Bloom


Little Green Friend

Tingly

Remember how I said that I was totally calm yesterday?

Well…not so much today.

When I woke up this morning, something changed. As my day began I grew very excited, and I felt repeated waves of expectancy and anticipation throughout the day. I checked my cell phone a couple of times to make sure I didn’t miss any calls. Whenever it rang I answered it a little faster. And when people asked me what's going on, I got all tingly.

I’m not feeling neurotic and jumpy…just happy and really hopeful. Frank too. So how long until we are bursting at the seams?

About to Pop

<--- This is how it feels to be waiting for an LOI!

(I recently found this photo of me goofing around many Christmases ago and had to laugh.)

Being this close feels a lot like waiting for our water to break. Everyone we see has that excited, questioning look in their eyes, and all we can do is just rub our belly, smile and shrug our shoulders.

It also feels like the night before Christmas and we’ve been up all night wrapping gifts, and we’re finally ready for the sun to come up. We sit on the couch, cradling mugs of steaming cocoa, and wait for the inky sky to fulfill its promise for streaks of deep violet, pink, orange and finally brilliant yellow.

It also feels like we are approaching the end a slow, long climb up the crest of the most giant of all rollercoasters. The 'chenk-chenk-chenk' sound is coming to a stop, and we are poised for a millisecond at the top of a very tall arc, about to zoom through the most thrilling, scary, wonderful ride we've ever imagined.

It also feels like the beginning of spring, when you see all the hard work of last season begin to sprout. Vines start off on their trails, flower buds peek open their sleepy eyes and dry brown turns first to bright green and then deep emerald.

It also feels like we are juggling. Finally all the hoops are in the air at the same time, and we’re just waiting on that final one to be thrown to us before they start dropping. C’mon Kaz…throw us another one. We can handle it. Hurry before some document (aka hoop) expires!

We are as prepared as we will ever be. Our paperwork is ready, our bags are packed, our bills are on auto-pay, the bank and our employers are on notice, we’ve selected an IA doctor, travel insurance agent and travel agency, the shopping is done, the lists are checked off, our house is clean, our house-sitter is ready to move in, our laundry is done, our yard is groomed, the files are organized and the laptop is ready.

Actually, the laptop is the thing I’m nervous about right now. I bought a new Dell 3 months ago, which came with Windows Vista, and I’ve almost thrown it into the Ashley River twice. Vista stinks. It crashed again today. I really wish I had bought a Mac. Our computer will be our lifeline and we don’t have time to send it back, buy a new one and reload/reconfigure everything. If this one dies in Kaz, we can always go to the internet café to post quick blog entries, but we’re really depending on it for everything from blogging to watching movies to playing music, to journaling, e-mailing, Skyping, making movies, editing photos, etc. I really hope it comes through. (How many leaps of faith can one squeeze into one adoption?)

Overall we are surprisingly calm, considering that the very next phone call could be the one. I think my anxiety level was higher during the wait for our region assignment, since that greatly influences much of what our overall experience will be. Maybe we are unruffled because it has been so long since we thought we might be “going soon” and it’s hard to believe that this timely confluence of circumstances is finally a reality.

We shall see. In the meantime we will just keep staring at my belly.


By the way, Frank raised a lot of money this weekend with his lemonade stand! For those of you who commented that you'd like to see him in a bikini, here is a little eye candy just for you.



(Just for the record, yes this is Borat's body. And just for the record, I'm only slightly ashamed of myself.)

Dear Friends

Enough of all this talk about camels and straws.

It’s going to take a more than a bad day and a few dollars to keep us from our child.

We are united. We are excited. We are warriors. Team Ruopoli is unstoppable. There is renewed strength, perspective and commitment to this journey to our child – however bumpy the ride. The thunderstorm has passed, and there is laughter and light in our home and hearts again.

The last blog entry was the only one I’ve ever posted while in the throes of anger and frustration. I had second thoughts about venting so openly, but in hindsight I’m glad I did. It paints a clear picture of what this journey can be like for some parents. This is reality. This is the hard part. And even the most reputable adoption agencies out there may do things that you don’t agree with. I personally would have made a different business decision if I owned the agency, but we can only move forward, believing that our agency’s reputation and track record for getting our child home with as few glitches as possible will tower over anything that frustrates us. Kaz is a tricky country to navigate for any agency, especially in this ever-changing international adoption climate. I certainly couldn't work in this emotionally charged industry every day, but I’m thankful for those who do.

I’m mostly glad I shared these intense moments because we have been so moved by the enormously overwhelming outpouring of support and encouragement. It has been absolutely incredible! Thanks a bazillion times over for the wise words, heartfelt pleas, and the belief in us. You guys are amazing. Amazing! I don’t know what we’d do without you cheering behind us and giving us a swift kick in the pants.

So onward and upward…a child awaits. And we've got an LOI to fret over.

With lots of love and deepest appreciation,
Frank, Regina and Habibi

P.S. And thanks for the kind offers of bake sales and auctions. We are fine, really. Thank goodness for our home equity and our commitment to being debt-free before we dove into this. But if we had to sell lemonade on the corner during every spare moment while wearing a bikini, then that’s what Frank would do.

The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back?

Yesterday was the toughest day, and we may have reached our breaking point.

Since we signed up for this over a year ago, the Kazakhstan adoption program has undergone enormous changes. It's a different animal now. And so here we are -- days before we should be travelling -- and we are grappling with whether or not we can do it.

Why?

* Kaz has changed the rules and processing times over the years. It looks like I will have to be in-country a full 8 weeks.
* Our expected travel dates have been moved numerous times, pushing us into the more expensive airfare months of the year.
* To top it off, yesterday we received news from our agency that all Little Miracles families just received a significant fee increase, effective immediately regardless of where we are in the process, due to the decline of the US dollar, etc. Yes – we’re getting this news literally days before we should be traveling. Seriously? I mean seriously???
* There are no guarantees that something else won’t change again when we are overseas.

It's scary. It doesn’t help our frame of mind that the availability of babies under the age of 1 has seemed to disappear. We are excited about the children we will be meeting, but the dangling carrot keeps getting moved, keeps going up in cost, and we can’t even be sure if it’s really a carrot at all.

We are not a bottomless well of money, or bottomless well of emotional resilience. We have been more than flexible with the many changes that have come our way during the past year. Two days ago, we were pretty maxxed out, but fine. With our agency springing this fee increase on us at the last minute, especially in light of all that has happened with the Kaz administrative changes, it felt like the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s hard not to feel like we’re being taken for desperate fools.

Is it time to abandon ship and cut our losses? Has the past year of blood, sweat, tears, hope and anticipation been all for naught? Do we wave goodbye to thousands upon thousands of dollars and endless hours of work we’ve already invested in this process and won’t get back? Do we simply say goodbye to the abandoned child we wanted to give a loving home to and provide a chance to become everything he or she dreamed of? Do we just forget about all the happiness and joy that family life brings, and go back to our life the way it was before? Would it ever really be the same?

To make matters worse, as of last night we have a difference in opinion about what we should do. Not an easy thing. Even if we continue onward, so much of the joy has suddenly been sucked out of these last days of happy anticipation.

It just wasn’t supposed to be this hard.

5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ...

Last we heard our LOI is still processing happily along, and we are still on schedule.

It's hard to believe we are really this close. We are still very calm, although we are definitely abuzz with tying up loose ends, dotting i’s, crossing t’s, making lists and checking them thrice. You wouldn’t believe all the minutiae of getting ready to walk out that front door. We are 95% there. Most of what is left to do are things that can only be done once we receive that golden ticket.

POX ALERT
There has been an outbreak of Chicken Pox in one of the Aqtobe orphanages! We think it is confined to the toddler house and that the children we will be meeting are in the baby house, but I’m not sure. We were told it won't delay our LOI, but it's up to us if we want to wait until the outbreak is over. Um....no freaking way, Jose!

I already had Chicken Pox (a mild case as a child and a bad case as a teen.) Frank thinks he only had a very mild case as a child, but he isn’t sure. To be safe he got an antibody test to check his immunity level. If need be, he will simply get a vaccine and should be fine. Of course, we will be bringing some extra meds for Habibi just in case he/she becomes ill after we get custody. He/she might be sick at our first meeting. What an interesting first sight that would be! We would have to do a re-write of the song, The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face. Let's see, what rhymes with "your blisters were just starting to crust over..."

WHY I CAN’T STOP HUMMING A CERTAIN DISCO SONG
I recently joined Charleston’s Freecycle Yahoo group, and within 3 days I had picked up a free, child’s outdoor roller coaster. A new one costs $100 bucks at Toys R Us. This one was in excellent condition, except for the plump black widow spider I found hiding under the step, alongside her large egg sac! We're not the bug killer types, but Ms. Widow and her brood quickly met their doom.

The stickers had peeled off the little car, so my nieces, Kirsten and Gabrielle, did a beautiful job drawing new designs on it with different colored permanent markers. On the front it says “Rolly Ruopoli Coaster.” I love it -- even with the extra L in Roly! It certainly serves as a tangible little metaphor for the adoption process, although not nearly a wild enough ride.

We have been trying to buy toys that are made of natural or organic materials such as wood and cotton, and are built to last (we felt this way even before the news was splattered with China product recalls.) We know our it’s very idealistic, but we can always try. But it has already been hard to resist the plethora of plastic junk from China because it’s cheap and convenient.

GOT BENEFITS?
Not long ago I had a meeting with the president and HR director of the company I work for, where I made a proposal requesting that they provide employer adoption benefits to employees, and of course me in particular! I essentially asked for benefits comparable to what biological moms are offered. I've been told that they have approved a new policy, and I should know the details this week!

Anyone out there who would like to encourage your employer to consider adoption benefits, there is a boatload of helpful information at http://www.adoptionfriendlyworkplace.com/ and http://www.davethomasfoundation.org/.

I must mention that both of our employers and colleagues have been incredibly supportive and caring throughout this process. Without their flexibility and willingness to accommodate our needs we could not be doing this. We extend our deepest appreciation to them! We promise to bring Habibi into the office soon after we are home, and thoroughly disrupt workflow and halt productivity like a good new parent should. Start practicing your ooohs and aaahhs!

REGISTRY
We have been asked a lot lately if we have a registry. We are registered at Babies R Us, and I added a link to our links section in the right column. We will try to update it from Kaz once we know more about our child. We're very excited that our family/friends are planning a shower when we return, as well as my co-workers. They wanted to wait until we have our child so they can be more targeted in their gift-giving.

TODDLER PONDERINGS
With the big possibility of adopting a toddler, we are preparing ourselves to spend a long time on focusing on attachment and bonding even more intensely than before. The first year home will be important in laying a super-solid foundation for our strong family connection, as well as helping our little one have healthy relationships in all areas of his/her life. It will take an elevated degree of mindfulness, but we are up to it.

I do wonder if we will sometimes wrongly attribute normal behavior to adoption-related issues. Maybe this goes away after the first year or two, or maybe not. But we will trust our intuition, as I think we are both reasonably perceptive and certainly devoted to getting it right. The educational courses and self-study we’ve been through in preparation have been invaluable. There are so many great resources out there.

It also has helped, and will continue to help, to have the insight of intelligent and sensitive parents who have been in our shoes. I’m not exaggerating when I say that the adoptive parent world is full of some of the kindest and most generous people on earth!

Speaking of which… I want to send out a special thank you to Jennifer M (Gigi’s mom) for sending me this great article on attachment. Here is an excerpt: "Do not believe in Insta-Attachment. It is a fairytale that ultimately prevents you from really seeking out the deepest part of your child's heart and searching for true healing instead of proper behaviors. It is worth the search. It may take much longer than you had hoped for. Your emails to family and friends may be lacking in the instant gratification. But the long, slow simmer of true attachment in the end is stronger, more deeply satisfying and more healing."

CAFE PRESS STORE
We set up a Cafe Press Store a while back to create some custom tees and such for our child. I thought I'd share it with other Kaz families in case they see something they like. Check it out: http://www.cafepress.com/kazadopt

Threshold

Anthropologists have a word for the state of being that occurs in transitional moments: Liminality, from the Latin word limen, meaning “threshold.”

At liminal times we are moving out of “here” but are not yet “there.” When standing on a threshold we look back at the past as we prepare ourselves for an uncharted future. In the words of a proverb, “The most difficult mountain to cross is the threshold.”

In all of life’s natural passages, we know in our hearts when that liminal time is upon us. In becoming a parent through adoption, this liminal time is often extended for unnatural and uncomfortable amounts of time.

Being at this threshold of parenthood is thrilling, but it's hard when you have emotionally crossed over, yet the calendar and government agencies are the ones in control of the matters at hand.

We do what we can to sustain ourselves until we’re allowed to pass through. Planning for the emotional and practical needs of family life helps pass the time. Readying ourselves has required an enormous amount of both inner and outer tending, including consciously letting go of the self-centeredness of the past, readying ourselves to focus our energy on our child.

There have been several times during the past few months that I have thought, “It wasn’t supposed to be this hard.” Along our adoption journey there have been some tough decisions that needed to be made, which we haven’t shared with anyone but our closest circle. Even though I’m a realist, I sometimes feel disappointed that our yellow brick road has not been made of pure gold. I didn't want to feel negative feelings associated with such a joyous journey.

But what is a negative feeling anyway? I am reminded of a quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, which says “There is nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” (How awful that Mr. Smith broke his rib. But how lucky because the x-rays detected the lung cancer early. How sad that he had to miss the party because of his chemo. But how fortunate because he didn’t get killed in the fire at the clubhouse...)

I recently wrote to a friend who was experiencing some “bad” emotions that during rough times we should try to remember that light can only be understood in relation to darkness, movement in relationship to stillness, and creation in relation to destruction and decay. It is the destructive carving of a piece of wood that creates the beautiful bowl. In essence, we can't feel joy, love, happiness, serenity and bliss without also feeling sadness, frustration, fear, turmoil and pain. They simply could not exist without the other. So we should try to be grateful for the "bad" stuff because it allows us to experience the good. They are the same thing, turned inside out and on opposite ends of the same spectrum.

Yes, easier philosophized than done.

Parameters and Contest

I wanted to recap our parameters so you guys don't have to go digging through our posts to be reminded. We are looking for a boy or a girl, from age 6 months to 2 years, of any ethnicity, and we’re open minor correctable medical needs. (The only thing that has changed is the age range, which has gone from 1 to 2.)

Also, I thought it would be fun to have a little CONTEST to guess our child’s birthdate! Please submit a guess by either posting a comment or e-mailing me by the end of April. Whoever guesses the date, or gets the closest to it will receive a copy of a Vintage Velvet CD (our jazz band) which was recorded last year. For more info click here or here. If you’re not into jazz, or you already have one, we will send you any CD of your choice – just name it!

Frank and were both July babies, and we're only 4 days apart. In fact, we will both turn 40 this year! I used to think we would do something really crazy, daring and fun for our 40th (we had a big Thirtypalooza party for our 30th.) It's interesting how that milestone seems so unimportant now compared with the milestone of becoming parents. But hey, THAT'S what I call crazy, daring and fun!

Open

Things have been quiet on the blogfront here, but that’s because there has been a happy storm brewing in the Ruopoli house!

We have been told that we should be leaving for Kazakhstan within 3-4 weeks!!!

Yes, this is a little sooner than expected, but we were told on Monday that babies in our requested age range won’t be off the Aqtobe registry until this summer. (I was prepared to hear this because I had read hints of it on another blog weeks ago.) So Frank and I did some soul searching and some research, and we decided to expand our parameters and go meet the children who are available now at the baby house.

There were a lot of unusual factors going into this decision. We took our time making it, and we both have a really good feeling about this unexpected twist! We do have a safety net in case none of the available children are right for us; Little Miracles can transfer us to another region if necessary. But of course we don’t want to do that, and it is not our intention. That would mean more time and more expenses – financial, emotional and physical – with still no guarantees. Certainly not something we want to put ourselves through.

We're growing more excited with each passing day! The morning after we made our decision I opened an e-mail from my blogger friend, Susan. She said that she dreamed we were going to arrive in Kaz on April 24th. That date might be a little early, but you never know ... Susan just might have her mojo working! She said that in her dream we actually went to her house in Florida and Andrea met us there (from Chicago) to drive us to the airport, and I packed only 3 outfits. I’m not sure which is more far-fetched, a rendezvous in Florida or me taking only 3 outfits!

So that’s the story, morning glories. Line up now for tickets to "Adventures with Frank and Regina." It’ll only cost you a few mouse clicks and a few minutes a day. Step right up and see two ordinary human beings enter the surreal and unpredictable final phase of Kazakhstan adoption. See if they can employ superhuman strength, astounding patience and dogged determination, like all the families who've gone before them...

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Dear Habibi,

The Word of the Day is: Open

Say it with me… Oh–pen!

It’s a beautiful word, isn’t it? So positive, promising and full of possibilities. It flows from the mouths of optimists and believers. It creates a bridge to many exciting other universes. It lets you hop aboard life’s most exhilarating joy rides and see the world through many colors of glasses, including the crystal clear ones.

Open is a close relative of Yes, and Beauty and Hope and also of Love. They often hang out together, and conspire on all sorts of creative projects designed to bring about good things.

I hope you say this word often during your lifetime, and that it is a true reflection of your heart and spirit. Openness has immense power to topple the walls in your mind and allow the full realm of possibilities to be revealed.

Beautiful Adoption Poems

We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life.
But those who make their journey home across time & miles,
growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,
are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us
by God's very own hands.

~Kristi Larson



Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it.

~Fleur Conkling Heylinger



I didn't give you the gift of life, but in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real, as if it had been so.
For us to have each other is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you the gift of life, life gave me the gift of you.

~Unknown



Legacy of an Adopted Child
Author Unknown

Once there were two women, who never knew each other.
One you do not remember; the other you call Mother.
Two different lives shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star; the other became your sun.
The first one gave you life; the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love; the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name.
One gave you talent; the other gave you aim.
One gave you emotion; the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears.
One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.
And now you ask me through your tears…
the age-old question unanswered through the years.
Heredity or environment … which are you a product of?
Neither my darling, neither. Just two different kinds of love.

Nice Package

Sure, gifts are great. But a creative gift wrapping job? Now we're talking. It is something that is equally as exciting to me.

So imagine my delight when I opened a box of gifts from my fellow blogger friend, Eileen, who is a professional dynamo at creating hand-stamped cards and stationery. Sure the gifts were great (organic baby wash/lotion and a hooded towel) but I was blown away by the gorgeous, custom greeting card she created just for us and the coordinating note card and gift wrap with handcrafted details. Everything was painstakingly created and customized, and the teddy bear was even hand-watercolored!

Eileen went out of her way to find just the right theme for it all to match our Tuscan inspired nursery, after seeing the pictures I posted back in September. What an exquisite design and what a lovely gesture. Thank you so much, Eileen -- you rock!

click to enlarge

Speaking of the baby’s room, we recently made a very special addition to it. Not quite as special as a baby, but after weeks of searching, we found the perfect rocker/recliner. It was difficult to find one that was the ideal mix of aesthetics, comfort, durability and affordability. But we finally found this very important piece of equipment. We anticipate many special moments in this chair…feeding, reading, giggling, snuggling, just hanging out and, of course, snoozing.

It is very cushy, covered in resilient microfiber, gently rocks and fully reclines for some good sleeping (we’ve both tested that out.) The late evening sun has been shining into Habibi’s room so nicely, so I love to curl up in the sun-dappled chair after a long day at work.

I am enjoying the nesting ritual, but it was while I was on this quest for the perfect chair that I suddenly felt incredibly self-indulgent and guilty. I couldn’t help but think that many parents don’t have the luxury of being finicky about their rocker, not to mention the colors of the room décor or finding the best developmental toys. Instead, they worry about things like their child having enough to eat, contracting malaria or having a soft place to sleep.

Frank and I are very sensible consumers, yet when I think of the less fortunate I still feel a sense of over-indulgence. We have both worked so hard for everything we’ve ever had, including our child-to-be and all of the typical American accoutrements that go along with it. But there are other families in the world who have worked just as hard or harder, yet live in a situation where it just doesn’t make a difference. We give our fair share to charity, but I suppose we could always give more, or maybe direct it toward something that feels more relevant to us now. (Or I could just assuage my guilt by opening the pages of People magazine and gawking at J-Lo’s nursery. Oh my stars, that woman could feed all of Africa with the cost of that room!)

I just feel so incredibly grateful to be living in a country, time and place that allows for such trivial indulgences as pretty little packages and the perfect snuggling chair. Everyone should be so lucky.

P.S. Sending our love to the “mother-of-all-bloggers,” Suzanne and her husband, Matt, who recently arrived in Kaz and met their children yesterday!