The last week was a quite difficult one in our little adoption story. I have finally emerged from a slight haze that clouded my world for several days.It started when we made the tough decision to request that one of LMI's regions be taken out of the options for us. We just weren't comfortable with it for various reasons. It is LMI's quickest region, so this decision almost definitely means a longer wait -- up to 2 months longer. That was a hard (albeit self-prescribed) pill to swallow. Plus we really wanted to be in Kaz for their big spring holiday, Nauryz, on March 21-22, and that's probably out of the question now.
Honestly, the waiting doesn't bother me quite as much as potentially having to re-re-re-re-re-do some of paperwork yet again. For example, I have been to the doctor 4 times in less than a year for my 'proof that I'm not dying' exam. If I have to go back for a 5th time I think I will lose my marbles! And I've been feeling a little tired. Tired of paperwork, tired of wondering, worrying, waiting, planning, putting things off, being in limbo and declining invitations and band gigs that I could have accepted. I know it's all small potatoes in the big scheme of things, but it was feeling like big potatoes. Big 'ole heavy, brown, bumpy, lumpy, dirt-covered, Idaho selects.
I've stayed relatively positive and cheerful (my default setting) throughout this process. I really didn't want to feel a drop of anguish, but I guess that's just not realistic. This is one of the most trying things we will ever do. We've been navigating some very big emotions and decisions. Not the biggest, but still... This process can be torturous, and I was bound to get into a funk at some point.
Also, the waves of joy, love and excitement that wash over me regularly have been sprinkled lately by a dash of terror. The "What ifs?" are playing a little more loudly in my mind. Oh, they're not going to stop us. No way, no how. But they are there, holding their collective breath, just in case they need to blurt out "I told you so!"
Make no mistake; we are still completely ecstatic. This is as exhilarating as it is taxing, and I have no doubt that the strange emotional roller coaster will lead us to the child who is meant to be ours. And I'm feeling better now. My moment has passed and the sun is beaming golden streams of light into my spirit again. We are at peace with what happens from here.
So I am now digging deep into my resilience reserves, and I will try my darndest to stay focused on the ultimate goal. To help me along (and for all of your viewing pleasure) here are some beautiful little reminders that it's all going to be worth it in the end. Every last freaking document. Every last streaming tear.
Recently Home From Kazakhstan
Roxana
Roxana 2
Aitugan
Aitugan 2
Ben
Ben 2
Gigi
Gigi 2
19 comments:
Regina-i can't agree with you more.
We were told on Monday we were going to ASTANA and it would be before May. Our Loi was going to come "anyday". I was SO EXCITED.
I came home from Disney on Monday and read this news in my email on Tuesday morning. I was ESTATIC. I was at my son's school all day, and told EVERYTONE. I was on the phone with another family from our agency who went to Astana and was getting the G2. BUT, at around 4:30 yesterday, we get new news. Astana is now closed for adoptions, effective yesterday.
So, our dossier is being sent to Kostanai, and we don't know when we'll travel. Summer is an estimate.
So, i can relate to your rollercoaster of emotions. I am fine today, but i felt like i'd be soccer punched in my gut.
but really, i am where i was berore we found out it would be Astana, and it would be before May
I was told most likely summer, and it's still most likely summer, and I've seen many cute kiddoo's come out of Kostanai and Sandi can give me the G2 since she leaves in 2 weeks.
I started my paperwork in May/June so I will be re-doing things too.
We must keep our eye on the prize and relish our friendships along the way. I LOVE THE PICS you included.
We all have our moments.
:)
I am glad you are at peace with your decision. Since we have the option to make decisions, we should definitely use the option. This process is such a rollercoaster but in the end your right we all do get the best prize of all.
I'm sending you positive thoughts and hope that things still move along quickly.
sandi
Oh, thank you thank you for the photos today. It's so easy to lose sight of what's at the end of this process and simply start drowing in the paperwork, the guesswork, the unknowns... I appreciate your outlook and your determination to be so consciously PRESENT on this rollercoaster journey! Thanks for sharing.
Aren't kids from Kazakhstan beautiful?! I am sorry that you found yourself in a funk, but I am glad that your spirits have been lifted. International adption is an emotional roller coaster!
Did you read my post from Monday? Funk is the word. Its not easy. Its a rollarcoaster. Some days up up up and away and other days are the pits. It stinks to give up singing gigs and jobs because "maybe" we'll not be here. It has to get better. And thank you for the light at the end of the tunnel. Somehow I missed the Izzaak family - what a cute boy. do you read Amy's blog? Her post yesterday put wings on my shoes. After what she's been through - loosing a referral only to find her child. What a blessing.
I feel for you! We have been caught in a big slowdown in our Ethiopia adoption. But I try to remember my mantra: the universe will bring us the child meant to be ours. I see that embodied every day in the face of my daughter, now home almost four years from China.
It must be adoption in February, huh? Seems like a lot of people have been suffering from burn-out. I don't mind the waiting either . . . I guess it is the uncertainty that gets me.
OH, but look at those smiles! What happy looking kids! They are what this is all about. Thanks for the reminder.
I'm sorry you have been having a tough time. It's so hard to make some of the decisions required for IA. Unfortunately, once in country the decisions don't get any easier. This will will prepare you for it though. I love the pics of the kiddos. They are all so cute. :)
I remember when we were waiting. I would read blogs of people ahead of me in the process. It always seemed to be that there would be a post such as this right before the good news. You are not alone. All of us have felt this way and been there. It will get better! :)
Regina, the title of your blog started me singing (remember I just saw "Love), then as I read I could relate to many of your emotions, then the pictures sent me over the edge with tears. Tears of happiness though, because those are some beautiful kids. And ours will be among them very soon.....
Peace,
Shannon
Adoption is so hard. It is so not the easy way to be a family. The decisions. The weight of the fate of a life that is in your hands. Yes. No. What happens if you select one way vs the other? I won't cliche you with "all works out" language. I've walked what seems to be this rite of passage, too. We can blab over lunch if you want.
I'm glad you were able to make a decision. Sitting in limbo-land not having a clear path yet knowing only you can make the choice is very, very draining.
What beautiful kiddos! How fun to see everyone in one place.
I can totally relate to your emotions. We were told at least twice a month from Jan-May that we would travel at any moment. It was a very difficult time but in the end all the crap washes away as soon as you hold your little one in your arms. What a great way to remind yourself, and others on the adoption roller coaster, that all the ups and downs are worth the ride.
It certainly was the photos of gorgeous Kaz kids that kept me going during my darkest days of adoption #1. Then, to my utter surprise, my daughter ended up being a blond-blue-eyed beauty :-)
The region fears also weighed heavily during my first adoption journey. Hearing that I was headed to the polygon region sent me into a total panic and tons of research. Then, 4 years later, I was requesting it. Go figure...
As long and hard as my first journey was, I went back for more and now, I am happy mom to 2 Kaz cuties :-)
Hang on and know that your child will soon be in your arms. In the meantime, set some mini-milestones that will be hard to do with a baby in tow- a weekend away, a good concert, a manacure and a massage. Soon these activities will be traded in for a trip to the zoo, a day without spit up, and manicures given by your pre-schooler. And yes, you will love it all :-)
Shanna
mom to Tamar from Pavlodar
and Libby from Semey
I used the analogy today that I am like a puppet. Or if you are a harry potter fan, like that spider under the cruciatis curse. Its a little silly but I just laugh at all of it. I mean they tell us to do something and we run and do it as fast as we can to find out 2 months later that we didnt need to do it. Its crazy Regina but really, what are we going to do besides roll with it, embrace it and run with it. because what choice do we have? I guess i just figure that whenever its supposed to happen it will and my stressing and being annoyed isnt going to make a twig of difference. hang in there
You said it perfectly: exhilarating as it is taxing... I remember looking at photos of kids during our wait when I thought I just couldn't take it anymore and it gave me a peace that yes, our child is out there and we WILL meet him wherever & whenever that is meant to be. We found that the more decisions we had to make, the more stressful it became - be it ended beautifully, as will your journey :)
The photos of all the kids are so adorable :) What a great idea!
Ooh. This is a hard post. I was sad reading it, but because I read it AFTER I read your region assignment news, I had a hard time being TOO sad...those photos are MARVELOUS. Oh those Kaz kids are the CuTEST!!!
I could have posted your exact post this time 2 years ago....... you are right it is normal to hit the adoption blahs at some stage. Combine it with Feb and for me it was whammo!! I so hope you get good news soon. We travelled mid April 2006 which seemed so fitting....spring, new beginnings ;-)
The photos you posted are adorable. kaz kids really are beautiful. The little guy Ben has a look of our Orin from Almaty Region.
I think as parents we are all in trouble when these ones grow up!!
The KeoghClan
This was a hard post to read because I can totally relate to all the feelings you described and I imagine many waiting families can. Who knew when we started this all we would really go through on the way? You did good putting the pictures of the kids on because that is really what it is all about and we will all reach that point when know all this emotional turmoil was very worth it. Thanks for sharing it and putting it into words so well.
I then read about your region assignment and my spirits soared for you also. It made me smile.
I just caught this post. Love the pictures. That's what it's all about.....
Post a Comment