Figure 8

A few of our family members, November 27, 1999

Today, my hubby and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary!

We just returned from a decadent celebratory feast at the esteemed Peninsula Grill. (Our days of indulgent fine dining on a regular basis are numbered!)

I am lucky to have found such a wonderful man. I can't imagine anyone else in the world I would rather become a parent with. We are so fortunate to have a genuinely happy marriage that is strong and harmonious. We are good for each other, we share many common interests and values, and we love and respect one another. Don't get me wrong; our marriage is definitely not perfect, but I think it’s pretty darn close for a couple of mortals.

So after 11 years together, 8 of them in wedded bliss, I wonder how our relationship will change when we become a family of three.

I do think that child rearing will be a tremendous bonding experience for us. That we will grow closer and our marriage will become even richer. That we will be equal partners and share the new joys as well as the responsibilities. That we will fall in love again from a new perspective. And that we will have an absolute ball.

But!

Wouldn’t it be unrealistic for us to not expect new conflicts to arise?

Research shows that after having a baby, 67% percent of new parents say they have a) less fun, b) more arguments and c) less intimacy. Issues such as different parenting styles, over-tiredness, a lack of alone time and unmet expectations can become battlegrounds.

Our energy and focus will make a dramatic shift, as it should, but I don’t want to find ourselves in the cliché scenario of drifting apart because of a severe lack of attention to each other. It wouldn’t be good for us OR our child if we were to become either miserable or divorced. I truly don’t think that would ever happen, but it’s foolish to think that we are bulletproof and to not make an effort to preserve our relationship as best we can.

It’s no secret that–kids or not—a strong marriage requires communication, listening, affirming, respecting, trusting, having fun, keeping a sense of humor, and not ignoring problems until the damage is beyond repair. Sounds so easy, right?

The hard part is continually being mindful of those things. Knowing specifically what each one means and making a conscious effort to do it. And disagreeing in healthy ways. Making it of burning importance to not allow resentment to creep in and build a brick wall. And always remembering that no one ever said to a marriage counselor, “We just communicate way too much.”

Yup. So there it all is in black and white. Well, in brown and tan. Regina’s Rambling Self-Guide to a Continued Successful Marriage After Baby. It’s purely theoretical, but without the rose-colored glasses I think. I will certainly have to re-examine it next year for any needed edits!

So, all of that to say what I really wanted to say today. And that is...

Happy 8th anniversary sweetheart.
Thank you for being so amazing!

November 27, 1999

November 27, 2007

Happy Franksgiving

In our house, Thanksgiving is known as "Franksgiving." It's a decree made years ago by my very silly husband, Frank.

Everyone always asks him just what he is actually giving for Franksgiving. His wacky answers vary from year to year, but I can tell you that he always gives us laughter, which is a gift most precious.

I love this time of year. But if there’s one thing I miss about my hometown of Indianapolis (besides my family) it’s having a real fall.

The temperature here will reach 78 degrees today. The morning glories trailing along our fence are still greeting us with their violet trumpets every day. A few pink Camellias are valiantly blooming, and the squirrels are still scampering around like mischievous little rascals. I shouldn't complain, but today I could sure use some vibrant, fiery fall foliage and the smell of a burning hearth!

But whether or not it feels like Thanksgiving, ‘tis the season for counting blessings. :-)

Here is the short list of things for which I am grateful.

- My precious health
- My wonderful husband
- My loving family
- My fantastic friends
- My amazing bandmates
- My treasured job
- My terrific co-workers
- The supportive adoption community
- My house, car, clothes, computer and all the trinkets that make my life more comfortable and enjoyable
- Art, music, literature and the splendor of the natural world

I feel so blessed and fortunate. Dare I hope for one more tiny little (big) thing to be thankful for next year???

May the beauty and the blessings of Thanksgiving
bring warmth to your home, and peace to your heart!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Habibi,

Guess what? Chicken butt.
No, seriously...guess what?? Chicken butt!
Ok, really this time....guess what??? CHICKEN BUTT!!!

I used to play this silly game with my nieces and nephews all the time. I so look forward to playing it with you!

Next Steps

After our “Rock Star Dossier” is processed at the Consulate, it will embark on a grand tour of Kazakhstan. Our vocabulary now includes the following 3-letter acronyms, which stand for all of the next tour stops:

Stop 1: MFA - Ministry of Foreign Affairs

Stop 2: MOE - Ministry of Education (This is where we are assigned to a particular region.)

Stop 3: DOE - Department of Education (The DOE in our region will send us a LOI {Letter of Invitation} with our requested arrival date.)

Of course, the big question still looming is…..WHEN WILL WE GO???

Right now, it's looking like we will most likely travel in March. Late February if we’re really lucky. This is not a guarantee, but is the best estimate by our trusty adoption coordinator, Andrea, who I learned today can simultaneously consult with a client AND manage a child who is intent on giving his own feet a glycolic peel/foot soak with fresh orange juice!

This is a bit later than we hoped, but the word is that we are being slowed down by the holiday season, plus the Consulate is swamped with dossiers right now. The ebb/flow cycle is ebbing. We will have a more accurate estimate as we pass through each step, but all the while remembering that the process can snag or snowball without warning in Kaz. How’s that for being able to plan ahead??? :-)

So we wait, prepare, dream, stay busy and continue to sleep in late on weekends while we can.

On another note --

We celebrated National Adoption Day last Saturday by attending ceremony organized by our home study agency. It was a celebration in a small park with music, testimonials from adoptive parents, poetry, prayer and a candle-lighting ceremony for which we all stood in a circle holding our candles, around a gazebo containing a candelabra that held 3 large candles representing the children, the birthparents, and the adoptive parents. It was very nice. There were many adopted children there, and their sparkling eyes warmed my heart.

I had a slight lump in my throat from the moment we arrived, but I managed to tame any tears. But then, as we said goodbye to the director, she handed me a stuffed Teddy Bear they were giving out to the kids. “For when you bring your little one home,” she said with a kind smile. I was a goner after that. We mistily strolled back to the car through the crunch of leaves, Frank’s hand tenderly placed on my lower back. As he opened the car door for me, I laughed, “Stupid bear. I was fine until she gave me the stupid teddy bear!” We went on to enjoy a lovely dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, where we blissfully imagined ourselves at next year’s event, celebrating from a new perspective, and holding our very own sparkly-eyed child who just might be holding that cute little non-stupid Teddy Bear.

Here we are at dinner, and here is Mr. McTearsy.

Rock You Like a Dossier

Me: Dossier, Dossier. Where for art thou, Dossier???
Dossier: Hey baby, I’m in Noo Yawk! The FedEx guy dropped me off at the Consulate yesterday. I’ve hit the big time!
Me: Cool! ROCK ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF!
Dossier: I am. In fact, I'm so exited I’m gonna play air guitar right now.
Me: Oh, please don’t. Playing air guitar is hokey. They might send you back.
Dossier: Um...it’s not any hokier than you writing this imaginary dialogue.
Me: Okay, point. Just play a song that will motivate the employees to process you quickly.
Dossier: Totally! They won’t be able to resist the awesomely classic guitar riff from Sweet Child of Mine!
Me: Oh good lord. Can't it be something a little more...subtle?
Dossier: Aw c'mon! I'll channel my inner Slash! Nobody can resist a rock star.
Me: Sigh... Fine then. But if they look at you funny, then switch to some nice jazz -- God Bless the Child or something.
Dossier: Hey...just chill. I got my Mojo working.
Me: And no flirting! No buying rounds of Appletinis and waking up with another dossier with all your papers strewn about.
Dossier: Don't you worry missy. You're talking to a smooth operator. Now let's RAWK!!!

OnesieWorld

For some silly reason, Frank and I have always liked the word "onesie." But it's denotation in our warped minds is currently in transition from being our nickname for the sole male waiter at our favorite local tiki bar, to the real thing -- a cute lil' snapsuit for babies. Big difference.

Anyhoo, what I am getting at is that I've started buying a few baby clothes! We will need them while in Kaz, and I hear they are very expensive over there. Plus, I just couldn't resist any longer. There are so many cute and clever clothes out there in OnesieWorld. It would be easy to get carried away. I'm trying my best to be practical. I think my only saving grace right now is not knowing our baby's gender. But I was happy to find some things that would work great for a boy or a girl.

Our child will probably be between 6-12 months old, so I was advised to buy size 6-9 months because Asians and orphanage children tend to be on the small side. Anything that doesn't work can become a donation to the baby house. We are still on track for going this winter, so I'm focusing mostly on cozy stuff.

I explored a store called Once Upon a Baby, which buys/sells all kinds of gently used baby items. It appeals to my "reduce, reuse, recycle" sensibilities, especially since baby clothes are often worn only a few times. Many of the things there still had tags on them.

Below are photos of a few of my finds there, and elsewhere. I can't wait until they are all filled out with chubby little arms, legs and feet!

(click to enlarge)

Hello is Hard

Picture this: Me, blowdrying my hair, saying to no one in particular, “Vwe pennymiyotu Pangliski?” Frank, peering in, answers, “Nyet. Ya nee pennymiyo.” *

Later that morning: Me, pouring my coffee in the office breakroom, saying to myself, “Nee hi-tilly-buh vwe shtow-nee-boot vwee-peats” about 8 times. A co-worker walks in unbeknownst to me. (I think he still doubts my sanity despite my explanation.)**

Later that afternoon: Me, sitting in my car at a red light. Pointing out the window, saying, “Taam.” Then pointing to the steering wheel, saying, “Zdis.” I notice that the man in the car next to me is staring.***

Embarrassing yes, but worth it because Frank and I have officially completed all the lessons in the Pimsleur Quick and Simple Russian program! Yeah, I may sound like an idiot to those guys, but just wait until I blow the Kazakhs away with my eloquent mastery of the word for “thank you” twenty-seven times a day!

In many languages saying “hello” is easy. You've got your Hola, Ciao, Aloha, Bonjour, Goddag, Shalom, etc. But in Russian, the formal “hello” sounds something like “Zdrast-Vwiteah.” My mouth just doesn’t move like that naturally, although it is starting to now that I'm getting a feel for the language.

I can't help but snicker like a fifth-grader when saying the Russian word for “square” (as in a plaza or city square.) It sounds like a a cross between “Boolshit” and "Poolshit." I can't decide which one is funnier. Also amusing to me is that the Pimsleur system, although very effective, seems geared toward men who are trying to hook up with Russian women. (Hello. Do you speak English? Would you like a drink? Where? At my place or at your place? At the hotel? What would you like to do? With pleasure.) Well alrighty then.

What we really want to know is how to say, “This is the most precious and wonderful child in the world and I promise we are going to be take such good care of him/her and provide all the opportunities and happiness and love he/she could ever ask for and we will do everything in our power to ensure he/she is a well-adjusted, well-rounded, confident, successful and happy person and we will honor his/her cultural identity and love him/her more deeply than the ocean no matter what forever and ever!”

Maybe there is a Pimsleur Quick and Simple Russian for Eager Parents-To-Be Who are Adopting from Kazakhstan, but Learning Russian Instead of Kazakh Because it is More Widely Spoken.

I'll try Barnes & Noble.

I often marvel at the amazing power of language and it’s effectiveness in communicating even the abstract. But I know we will be humbled and frustrated by only being able to understand a few bare basics. Regardless, I'm enjoying learning a tiny bit of this odd tongue that I never dreamed I’d be inspired to learn.

So now onto Russian for Dummies...

Da svee-dah-nee-ye!****


*Do you understand English? / No. I don't understand.
**Wouldn't you like something to drink?
***Here / There
****Goodbye

(click to enlarge)

Reunited

Good News!

On Wednesday, our agency received all our missing papers, which came back from being apostilled by the State of SC! So our Dossier documents are all finally reunited! (and it feels so good...)

The new documents are being translated and the whole Bundle of Joy will be sent to the Kaz Consulate by Tuesday or Wednesday of next week! I will definitely feel more at ease once we are off and running through the Kaz system. The other night I dreamed that we had to re-take all the photographs of our home for our Dossier because we needed to prove that our backyard was clear of any underbrush. Underbrush??? No clue where that came from! It probably won’t be the last adoption-related dream from which I will awaken in a mild panic.

Having this first anxiety dream was a sure sign of my growing eagerness. Corazon Aquino said, “Patience is the art of hoping.” Accordingly, I’ve been trying to approach all this waiting as an art form, and flow through it calmly and serenely. But it’s beginning to increase in difficulty with each passing milestone. Perhaps it’s because this child is becoming such an integral part of our daily conversation and planning. Or because this process is a bit tenuous by nature, and dependent upon so many things going perfectly right. I can hardly imagine what it will be like when we are waiting on our Letter of Invitation.

Which reminds me, congratulations to my blogger friends, Jen & Marshall, who recently received their Letter of Invitation, and are leaving on Tuesday to meet their baby girl! We wish you a wonderful journey and a joyous union with your daughter!


I was thinking that since we will print this blog as a memoir for our child, I'd start ending some of my posts with a short message to him/her. So here's the first:

Dear Habibi,
I know that life has handed you a tough first few months, and that things don't seem quite right. Just know that we are coming soon, and that everything is going to be alright. We already love you in the most amazing way, and we prepare for your arrival a little more every day. Sleep tight little bean blossom.

Haiku

Hope rises slowly
like warm, soapy bathwater
inching its way up

Switched at Birth

A few weeks ago I cringed to read that a woman once said to an adoptive mom, "Wow, you must have a really big heart; I could never love a baby that wasn't mine."

(Oh yes she did.)

Some people say that adoption just isn't for everyone. I usually nod in agreement when I hear this, but deep down I truly don't understand how anyone can feel they couldn't truly love anyone but their own genetic spawn.

It reminds me of a conversation I recently had with a friend about babies who were accidentally switched at birth in the hospital. Some parents found out early on, and others after many years. (Just think how many never find out.) I asked my friend, "What if you learned today that they gave you the wrong baby in the hospital? Would you now switch out your 4-month old with your biological child?" Her eyes got really big as she laughed and said, "NO WAY! This is MY baby and I love him SO much and I'm not giving him to ANYONE!!!" It was funny, and we were aghast and amused at the thought.

I later realized that this is a great example of how people feel when they adopt a child. Yes there are many variables, but I believe that as long as your heart is open -- and not blocked with prejudices or conditions -- then you can't help but fall in love with the child that is placed in your care and deemed as yours, no matter where that child came from.

There is a new movie out called Martian Child. There is a scene in the preview where an adoptive father, played by John Cusack, says, "I don't want to bring another child into this world, but how can you argue against loving one who's already here?"

I couldn't agree more.

Roar

Today I am feeling more like a lion again. I am ready to gallantly leap through any fiery hoops that need to be jumped through. Bring it on. (Ok, really don’t bring it on. But I’m ready if you do!)

I just thought I’d let everyone know that I am past the monkey moment. And that I have nothing against monkeys. In fact, I like monkeys a whole lot. But they shouldn’t be made to wear little vests and collect coins. It’s downright undignified. ;-)

On another note, I want to share with everyone that November is National Adoption Awareness Month, and November 17 in particular is National Adoption Day!

Many people have expressed to us an interest in adoption since we started our journey. There are many options domestically and internationally, and I encourage anyone even remotely intrigued to explore them. And we are more than happy to answer any questions, now or in the future.

We have zero regrets about choosing this path to start our family. The ups have far outweighed any downs, and I expect this to continue as we enter the next phases. We still feel wholeheartedly that this path is right for us, and I just know that the end result will be more than worth a few “labor pains.”

I also encourage everyone to check the NPR series on Adoption in America that was recently aired. It includes many interviews with adult adoptees. Fascinating stuff.

Peace, love and light to you, and to the 143 million orphans around the world who need forever families...

Good To Go

All the missing links for our dossier were delivered to Andrea on Wednesday! Once they are apostilled and translated our dossier can finally go to the Consulate of Kazakhstan in New York!

In addition to the DSS letter and social worker’s license, Frank and I took the opportunity to get updated medical reports while we were waiting, and sent her those as well. This was our third doctor visit in just six months -- just to prove that we’re okay. (The first one was for the home study, the second one was for the dossier and the third one was because the second one was going to 'expire' during our process.) Kind of frustrating.

Between that, getting our Hepatitis booster shots and hearing rumblings of potential future changes in Kazakhstan's adoption laws that might affect our time frame, I have to admit...I'm having a moment. It is a this is ridiculous moment. But when the Kaz government says “Jump!” we have to say “How high? What would you like us to jump off of? Where would you like us to land? Shall we add a flip? Should we say ‘ta-da’ when we’re done? Would you like fries and a notary stamp with that?”

Sorry to whine, but I guess I'm feeling a little like a circus animal today. Not so much like a powerful, roaring lion jumping through fiery hoops, but more like an organ grinder monkey. Hold out a coin I will do tricks, tip my hat, take the coin from your hand and dash away in my little red and gold vest. Only the coin isn’t really a coin; it’s a tiny little human being who needs a family.

Blech! (shaking head)

Okay, enough of my whining and monkey talk! Time to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Sending that FedEx meant that we are one step closer to meeting our baby! Yes, our sweet little being who is just waiting to be scooped up by our loving arms and carried into a joyful new life. A life where someone sings you to sleep and kisses you awake. A life where unconditional love and laughter abounds. A life where you glue sequins and googly eyes onto a paper plate fish, and it's beheld as the most precious piece of artwork in the world.


Okay, I have to tell you something I did last weekend that I thought I would never do. I was straightening up the baby’s room while Frank was out (trying to keep it from re-becoming the junk room!) I noticed the gift set of baby wash and baby lotion that Rosie recently gave us. It was sitting there on the changing table, looking lonely. I slowly opened up the lotion, rubbed a little on the back of my hand and breathed in its soft, sweet scent. Then I gazed around the still, quiet room … and cried just a little.

I know. Totally cliché.

What’s happening to me? Was this some kind of inevitable rite of passage? Am I going to start watching Lifetime channel movies on purpose?